


Weeks Four Through Ten.  Sort of.

by ikkiM



Series: Stannis Baratheon, Fantasy Football League Commissioner [7]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Fantasy Football, Fluff and Crack, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-18
Packaged: 2018-02-23 22:12:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 26,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2557580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikkiM/pseuds/ikkiM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>And we're BACK.  The Iron Throne League is chugging along.  Or chatting.  About everything.  As per ushz.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Week Four, Part 1.  FINE.  GOOD.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this took me so long. I had a lot going on and I did a bunch of stuff for JB week. I had wanted to break this into two installments, but I just didn't get it done in time and I'd rather they be good (heh) than fast.
> 
> Hope no one has been constipated and waiting.

**Monday**

URallAssholes: u and j done fighting?  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
URallAssholes: after that display on sunday, ur back 2gether  
LadyRose: What display?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up, Tyrion.  
URallAssholes: sneding u the vid on snapchat  
WarriorMaiden: You took VIDEO?  
URallAssholes: u were in public  
LadyRose: Wow. You’re totally back together.  
WarriorMaiden: No it, just...Jaime...when he….AHHH. I can’t talk about this.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: shs never run screaming b4  
LadyRose: She'll be fine. She'll probably send me a fourteen paragraph email explaining it to me.  
URallAssholes: fwd it 2 me?  
LadyRose: Sure. But it'll be stupid. You've been warned. Check in with the other side?  
URallAssholes: y not? itll be entertaining  
LadyRose: Like a rom-com.  
URallAssholes: w the stupidest couple on earth

[URallAssholes has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Hey. Was Brienne just here?  
URallAssholes: dude, u and brie still dating?  
LadyRose: Or did you break up?  
Kingslayer: She thinks we have, but not really.  
URallAssholes: should i ask?  
Kingslayer: She lost a bet, and now she has to act like my girlfriend.  
LadyRose: What?  
Kingslayer: She really is my girlfriend. This just gives her an excuse.  
URallAssholes: huh?  
Kingslayer: Today, she has to write Brienne + Jaime on her notes during a meeting.  
LadyRose: I really don’t think I can cope with that. Pretending to date because of a bet, but one of you think you're not dating. But you fuck like rabbits.  
URallAssholes: im w marg  
Kingslayer: Glad you’re admitting it.  
LadyRose: ...

一

FingerfewerHand: Do not tell Stannis.  
RedHeadedMother: Why not?  
FingerfewerHand: This is just between you and me, but he's been having some blood pressure issues.  
RedHeadedMother: Oh no. Is it serious?  
FingerfewerHand: Not yet. But if he finds out someone charged computer equipment and phone sex lines on our credit cards, he'll stroke out.  
Unknown: A man should be more careful.  
RedHeadedMother: Oh, hi Jaqen. I won't mention it.  
FingerfewerHand: Thanks. I just needed to vent.  
RedHeadedMother: Is he on medication?  
FingerfewerHand: Not yet and I want to avoid it.  
RedHeadedMother: You know some of those medications can cause erectile issues.  
FingerfewerHand: Exactly.  
Unknown: A woman knows.

一

Kingslayer: Wench.  
WarriorMaiden: Idiot.  
Kingslayer: Did you do it?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes. I’m texting you a photo now.  
Kingslayer: Got it. You know what else is girlfriendy?  
WarriorMaiden: Breaking up with you?  
Kingslayer: Sending me a topless selfie.

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Is someone discussing erotic photos?  
Kingslayer: Get out before your mustard colored man-dress starts annoying me.  
SexViper: Jaime Jaime Jaime. One day you too will wear the yellow robes of Dorne.  
Kingslayer: Not on my worst day. A Lannister does not belong in Dorne.  
SexViper: And you, Brienne. You are wearing nothing at all?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m fully clothed, thanks for asking.  
Kingslayer: Now get out, Transgender Tracy.  
SexViper: Perhaps another time, goddess Brienne.

[SexViper has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Nude selfie. Please?  
WarriorMaiden: NO. NEVER.  
Kingslayer: Should we bet on it?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up!  
Kingslayer: You can get all your girlfriendy duties for the week out of the way by coming to my place tonight and cooking me dinner.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE. What do you want?  
Kingslayer: ...burgers and fries?  
WarriorMaiden: We can grill?  
Kingslayer: I’ll do the grilling. You do the inside stuff.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE. This is so humiliating.  
Kingslayer: You’re going to wear a Kiss the Cook Apron.  
WarriorMaiden: Seriously?  
Kingslayer: And nothing else.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…

一

 

**Tuesday**

Kingslayer: You looked great in that apron.  
WarriorMaiden: I am not some domestic goddess. Martha Stewart would hate me.  
Kingslayer: Who?  
WarriorMaiden: Martha Stewart? Had that show that made me feel useless? Making storage containers out of egg cartons and cooking elaborate dinners for twelve using only three ingredients?  
Kingslayer: Never heard of her. Why would you store something in an egg carton?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t know. I made that up. She does all this craft stuff.  
Kingslayer: Sounds stupid.  
WarriorMaiden: Jeyne and Cat loved her.  
Kingslayer: Then she’s definitely stupid. They have no taste.  
WarriorMaiden: DO NOT insult my friends.  
Kingslayer: Back to you in that apron...and out of it.  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t start.  
Kingslayer: You liked it when I started.  
WarriorMaiden: I am not discussing this with you!

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: She’s got tits of laughter, tits of tears  
She’s got tits of hopes and tits of fears  
There's so much that we share that it's time we're aware  
She’s got small tits after all  
She’s got small tits after all  
She’s got small tits after all  
She’s got small tits after all  
She’s got small, small tits  
WarriorMaiden: Are you bastardizing children’s songs now?  
SharkReek: ...yeah?  
WarriorMaiden: You’re disgusting.  
Kingslayer: Hey LadyShark, why don’t you go put on another dress and scare children that way?  
SharkReek: i looked good in that dress! i got better legs than jon!  
WarriorMaiden: By the seven.  
Kingslayer: Get out.  
SharkReek: dicks

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Now your legs in that apron...

一

MrsYoungWolf: Oh Martha Stewart. Cat is better at everything than she is.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Candles in the snow sounds stupid and what's wrong with using aluminum foil the regular way.  
FingerfewerHand: Some of her recipes are good.  
iluvgilly: her stuff is 2 complicated for me  
Bronn4Sale: id fuk her, bet she learned stuff in the pen  
MrsYoungWolf: Shut up, Bronn. I tried that eggplant caviar. Disgusting.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: That even sounds gross.  
FingerfewerHand: I’m making crispy fish salad with red onion and mango tonight.  
iluvgilly: fish and mango? that sounds wrong  
MrsYoungWolf: My mango chunks are always weird shapes.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Does Robb even notice?  
MrsYoungWolf: I’m sure Cat does.  
Bronn4Sale: hey jeyne, sup?

一

Kingslayer: Coming over tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: Why?  
Kingslayer: You need to come over to my place tonight to pick up the underwear you left here. I found them in the kitchen sink.  
WarriorMaiden: Gods...Jaime...I am not even talking to you!  
Kingslayer: You are talking to me right now. I’m going to order us pizza.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not hungry for pizza.  
Kingslayer: I’ll get Pentoshi food instead.  
Warrior: I am in the mood for spicy food.  
Kingslayer: Are you in the mood for my cock too?  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP.  
Kingslayer: Give me five minutes and you will be.  
WarriorMaiden: You can’t make me!  
Kingslayer: Oh, I’ll kiss your neck in that spot you like so much and do that hand thing on YOUR BACK.  
WarriorMaiden: You know what that back thing does to me!  
Kingslayer: I DO. That’s why I’m going to do it.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE.  
Kingslayer: I am going to fuck you into the table tonight.  
WarriorMaiden: What if I want to be on top?  
Kingslayer: FINE. I like that TOO.  
WarriorMaiden: GOOD.  
Kingslayer: FINE.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m still not speaking to you.  
Kingslayer: We talked all morning.  
WarriorMaiden: Well, I’m not talking to you tonight.  
Kingslayer: There are better things to do with that mouth of yours.  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP. 7?  
Kingslayer: Make it 630.

一

 

**Wednesday**

FingerfewerHand: You could beta read it for me.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Beta read?  
FingerfewerHand: Just read my work, tell me if it makes sense, is in character and if I have any plot holes. And the grammar, spelling, punctuation. Normally I have Salladhor read it, but I need a grammar overview. Grammar is not his strong point.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: If you need someone to check your grammar, why not Stannis, the Grammar King?  
FingerfewerHand: …  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Stannis doesn’t know you write Star Trek fanfiction?  
FingerfewerHand: This is a Tasha/Data smut scene.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: And?  
FingerfewerHand: That’s a straight relationship.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: OH. And that’s a problem for him?  
FingerfewerHand: Well, Data reminds me of Stannis…  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: STOP. Do not tell me that you’ve described Data’s fully functionally parts as similar to Stannis' fully functional parts.  
FingerfewerHand: Okay. I won’t tell you that. So will you beta read it?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: FINE. But only because Tasha Yar kicked ASS.  
FingerfewerHand: Yes, yes she did.

一

WardenWolf: vinyl is warmer  
MrsYoungWolf: Now you’ve got him started.  
TheLastDragon: vinyl is like the dinosaurs, extinct  
MrsYoungWolf: Kind of like dragons are extinct.  
WardenWolf: mp3s sound tinny and you don’t get the full scale and quality of the music  
PerfectPrincess: dad, ur such a dork  
TheLastDragon: im with her, u r a dork, Ned  
PerfectPrincess: wait. I can’t agree w viserys. Ur vinyl is kinda cool, I mean, it’s like hipster nerd cool, dad  
WardenWolf: what is a hipster?  
PerfectPrincess: like when i wear ur old rolling stones t-shirts, i wear them ironically, that’s hipster  
WardenWolf: i don’t get it  
MrsYoungWolf: You don’t have the moves like Jagger either.

一

CommissionerByRight: Sean Connery is the superior James Bond.  
SharkKing: i liked roger moore, he was smooth  
LegitmizeThisBitches: dan craig dude, he’s the manly james bond  
KellyCsBear: I quite liked Timothy Dalton.  
CommissionerByRight: …  
LegitimizeThisBitches: …  
SharkKing: dalton sucked as much as lazenby  
BAMFLannister: George Lazenby was a terrible actor and terrible in the role. He had no feel for the character and On Her Majesty’s Secret Service only succeeded because of the woman cast as the Bond Girl in the film.  
BAMFLannister: She was magnificent.  
KellyCsBear: And people think I’m whipped.

一

WarriorMaiden: Idiot.  
Kingslayer: Wench.  
WarriorMaiden: You stole my pink chucks.  
Kingslayer: I borrowed them.  
WarriorMaiden: STOLE.  
Kingslayer: BORROWED.  
WarriorMaiden: I want them back.  
Kingslayer: I’ll bring them back.  
WarriorMaiden: Can’t you send them over by messenger?  
Kingslayer: Are you suggesting I use my office staff on a personal errand?  
WarriorMaiden: You do it all the time.  
Kingslayer: Not this time. If you want your shoes back, you have to see me.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE.  
Kingslayer: Want me to pick up fried food? Wings? Nachos?  
WarriorMaiden: Why?  
Kingslayer: You know I’m going to end up staying for dinner.  
WarriorMaiden: You could just drop them off and leave?  
Kingslayer: Or I could drop them off and we could make out on the couch for awhile?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
Kingslayer: ?  
WarriorMaiden: Okay.  
Kingslayer: Good. Fried food?  
WarriorMaiden: No. It won’t keep.  
Kingslayer: It’s not like we are going to eat it tomorrow?  
WarriorMaiden: But maybe we aren’t going to eat first?  
Kingslayer: Oh.  
Kingslayer: OH. GOOD.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE.  
Kingslayer: Excellent.  
WarriorMaiden: GREAT.  
Kingslayer: 7?  
WarriorMaiden: Works for me.  
Kingslayer: FINE. What are you wearing?  
WarriorMaiden: …

一


	2. Week Four, Part 2.  Thursday-Saturday.  Excuses and Burgers.

**Thursday**

Kingslayer: It’s Thursday.  
WarriorMaiden: How observant of you.  
Kingslayer: Which means we are watching the game together.  
WarriorMaiden: We are?  
Kingslayer: It’s tradition.  
WarriorMaiden: It is not.  
Kingslayer: If you don’t watch the game with me, you’ll lose this week.  
WarriorMaiden: I will not!  
Kingslayer: Each week you’ve watched the Thursday game with me, you’ve won.  
WarriorMaiden: The two are wholly unrelated.  
Kingslayer: Do you want to take that chance? I think you're just as superstitious as any ball player out there. Like when I grow my playoff beard.  
WarriorMaiden: You grow a playoff beard?  
Kingslayer: Every year. So, we watching the game tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe you won't even make the playoffs. And we can watch the game at a bar.  
Kingslayer: FIne. I'll pick you up and drive you home afterwards. And by home you know I mean my place.  
WarriorMaiden: You are so irritating.  
Kingslayer: But you can’t stay away.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut UP.

一

CommissionerByRight: A marathon?  
FingerfewerHand: Of Doris Day/Rock Hudson movies.  
CommissionerByRight: Can we add in _That Touch of Mink_?  
FingerfewerHand: With Cary Grant?  
CommissionerByRight: It’s one of my favorites…  
FingerfewerHand: It’s a plan.  
CommissionerByRight: You have the best weekend ideas, Davos.  
FingerfewerHand: Do you have some ideas as well?  
CommissionerByRight: Of course.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis?  
CommissionerByRight: Of course, Sir.  
FingerfewerHand: Better.

一

IKnowALittleSomething: yo  
URallAssholes: taking a break from staring off into the distance?  
IKnowALittleSomething: huh?  
URallAssholes: whatcha need jon?  
IKnowALittleSomething: u got video of jaime n brienne?  
URallAssholes: i might  
IKnowALittleSomething: share?  
URallAssholes: and risk my life? no  
IKnowALittleSomething: fukin hells

一

FertileNonagenarian: i like the whopper, its flame grilled  
SexontheSand: They char marks on the patties and then freeze them. They are not flame-grilled.  
LegitmizeThisBitches: i like a big mac, the special sauce man, special sauce, extra special sauce  
FertileNonagenarian: burger is 2 small, i like more meat. wheres the beef?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: u get 2 patties!  
SexontheSand: Two prepackaged frozen patties of something that might once have been beef.  
FertileNonagenarian: whut do u like?  
SexontheSand: In and Out burgers, of course.

一

WarriorMaiden: I just...we just...I mean…  
LadyRose: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. I enjoy his company. When he’s not being an idiot.  
LadyRose: You enjoy his cock and will think up any excuse to spend time with him.  
WarriorMaiden: MARG.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Your tits are just small fry  
Her tits, down to her thigh  
No tits, 'cause he's a guy  
Feel you up one more time  
LadyRose: So, tell me about his cock?  
SharkReek: u discussing cocks?  
LadyRose: Yes, Theon. We are discussing both pillar and stones.  
SharkReek: ugh

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

LadyRose: So, how big is Jaime's cock?  
WarriorMaiden: I am not going to tell you that!  
LadyRose: It must be pretty amazing if you can’t stay away.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s not that…  
LadyRose: It’s not?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s not only that.

一

 

**Friday**

LadyRose: Couples topic of the day. Sleep cuddling or need your own space?  
WardenWolf: cuddle  
SexontheSand: How many people are in the bed at the time?  
PinkISPretty: i like 2 cuddle  
BAMFLannister: Dear gods.  
RedHeadedMother: Space.  
LadyRose: Two.  
WardenWolf: …  
RedHeadedMother: You get all sweaty, Ned.  
WardenWolf: i thought I kept u warm!  
FlayMaster: Little Wife. What have I told you?  
SexViper: Cuddle.  
YoungWolf: depends?  
PinkISPretty: oh, all right, roosie likes space 2 sleep but we always wake up cuddly  
FlayMaster: ...  
UKnowUWantMe: ren is a cuddler  
FingerfewerHand: So is Stannis.  
UKnowUWantMe: *BARF*  
Unknown: A man is a cuddler.  
RedHeadedMother: Now that's surprising.  
iluvgilly: i can share this, gilly and i cuddle  
KissedByFire: Space.  
MrsYoungWolf: I like to cuddle when it’s colder.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Tywin is a cuddler.  
URallAssholes: ugh  
IKnowALittleSomething: space  
WarriorMaiden: A little of both?  
BAMFLannister: Olenna!  
Kingslayer: Always touching though.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Just like your father.  
URallAssholes: not a compliment there ollie  
BAMFLannister: Tyrion!  
WarriorMaiden: How about you Marg? Tyrion?  
LadyRose: I’m with Robb on this, depends on if it’s hot or cold.  
URallAssholes: 'zactly  
SexViper: Margaery and Robb?  
LadyRose: No.  
URallAssholes: damn right

一

TheLastDragon: smoked gouda  
TheLastDragon: parm-regg is actually 2 good 4 pasta!  
TheLastDragon: i also like taleggio though it smells like old, sick woman's twat  
SharkKing: that's pansy shit  
SharkKing: gimme good old westerosi cheese  
TheLastDragon: it's not even cheese, it's processed dairy "cheese food"  
SharkKing: fuckin cares? it tastes good on nachos  
TheLastDragon: for nachos you want a good mild cheddar  
SharkKing: no wonder you can't win, all you do is eat pussy cheese  
TheLastDragon: i don’t eat pussy, women suck me off  
TheLastDragon: like your mom  
SharkKing: u realize shes dead, so that was a shitty burn  
TheLastDragon: but but but, if she were alive..  
SharkKing: shut the fuck up, asswipe

一

CommissionerByRight: I need to work late tonight. The intern has absolutely mangled the books for this account.  
FingerfewerHand: It's all right, love. I'll be here when you get home.  
CommissionerByRight: What do you mean by that?  
FingerfewerHand: I mean that I'll be home? I'm not going anywhere?  
CommissionerByRight: No, what do you mean by "it's all right"?  
FingerfewerHand: That I understand that you have to work?  
CommissionerByRight: And it's just "all right" with you?  
FingerfewerHand: Of course, although I'll miss you tonight.  
CommissionerByRight: That's better. ... You will?  
FingerfewerHand: Miss you? Of course.  
CommissionerByRight: How much?  
FingerfewerHand: Quite a bit. I'll miss feeding you what I was going to make for dessert.  
CommissionerByRight: ...  
FingerfewerHand: Peach melba. Sweetened syrup and vanilla ice cream and mint.  
CommissionerByRight: You're going to eat that by yourself?  
FingerfewerHand: I could eat it on webcam if you wanted to watch.  
CommissionerByRight: Gods, I can't decide whether to go home or stay here.

一

Kingslayer: Wench!  
WarriorMaiden: Idiot!  
Kingslayer: I have run out of lame reasons to come to your place.  
WarriorMaiden: We can’t keep doing this.  
Kingslayer: Yes we can.  
WarriorMaiden: I am furious with you!  
Kingslayer: Not as much as you were before though?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
Kingslayer: Just come over.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. But I’m still mad at you.  
Kingslayer: GOOD. Because I like angry sex.  
Kingslayer: With you. No one else.  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP. Are you making me mad on purpose?  
Kingslayer: Make me shut up, and yeah, a little bit. You're so sexy when you're angry.  
WarriorMaiden: I am so going to make you SHUT UP.  
Kingslayer: What time are you coming over?  
WarriorMaiden: Right after work?  
Kingslayer: GOOD. Pick up some chocolate syrup or honey?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
Kingslayer: We can do that thing?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Tiny titties in the house tonight  
Every titty just have a good time  
Titties gonna make you lose your mind  
Titties wanna see you...shake that!  
WarriorMaiden: You sheets will end up all sticky.  
SharkReek: u wet the bed?  
Kingslayer: You're the bedwetter, Theon. I heard all about it.  
SharkReek: i got over it, u fucker!

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Was he really a bedwetter?  
Kingslayer: No clue. Just took a shot in the dark. Now about that honey, my maiden fair.  
WarriorMaiden: I am not a maiden fair and sticky sheets?  
Kingslayer: I LIKE sticky sheets.  
WarriorMaiden: You would!  
Kingslayer: I DO.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE.  
Kingslayer: GREAT.  
WarriorMaiden: EXCELLENT.  
Kingslayer: The we are going to shower together and I am going to wash the honey off of YOU.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m going to use your conditioner then.  
Kingslayer: GOOD.  
WarriorMaiden: GREAT.  
Kingslayer: FINE.  
WarriorMaiden: I am still furious with you.  
Kingslayer: And I kind of like it.  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP.

一

 

**Saturday Night**

Kingslayer: What are you doing?  
WarriorMaiden: Setting my lineup.  
Kingslayer: Need help?  
WarriorMaiden: I do NOT need your help. Shut up and go away.  
Kingslayer: If I double up again this week, can we stop making stupid excuses to see each other?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
WarriorMaiden: You don’t respect me.  
Kingslayer: I do respect you. I respect the hell out of you. I just know I’m better at fantasy football than you are.  
WarriorMaiden: You are NOT. I’m undefeated.  
Kingslayer: Maybe you don’t respect me.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: You don’t respect my fantasy football skills.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: If you say I don’t respect you, you don’t respect me either.  
WarriorMaiden: I didn’t insinuate that you were going to embarrass yourself because you’re a girl.  
Kingslayer: Because I’m not a girl, wench. I think you know very well that I’m a man. Look over here and you'll see how manly I am.  
WarriorMaiden: That looks ridiculous and you are infuriating!  
Kingslayer: I'm about to infuriate you by reaching over and tickling that spot on your hip.  
WarriorMaiden: Keep your hands off me!  
Kingslayer: Says the naked woman in my bed.  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP.  
Kingslayer: Come here and make me.

 

**Week 4 Recap**

Maiden’s Warriors remains first in the League with a handy win over Team Stannis/Davos. 2Old2Care got handed their first loss by Winter Wolves, who got their first win. DragonKings remain winless by losing to Night’s Winnermen by .80 points, the closest Match of the Week. The biggest margin of victory again went to Hear Me Kick Ass who doubled up, this time beating The Faceless Team by 80 Points. Also winless are Thorny Stags.

### Week 4 Standings  
  
---  
1 | Maiden's Warriors | 4-0-0  
2 | Hear Me Kick Ass | 3-1-0  
3 | 2Old2Care | 3-1-0  
4 | IWillBeYourChampion | 3-1-0  
5 | Flayer’s Players | 3-1-0  
6 | Team Stannis/Davos | 2-2-0  
7 | The Faceless Team | 2-2-0  
8 | Night's Winnerman | 2-2-0  
9 | Winter Wolves | 1-3-0  
10 | GridIronBorn | 1-3-0  
11 | Thorny Stags | 0-4-0  
12 | DragonKings | 0-4-0  
  
**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look. I cannot get AO3 to accept my pretty table code. Nothing I do works. If someone can make it work, tell me how! Send me a comment or find me over at jaimebrienne.com
> 
> My table looks awful. *SOB*
> 
> And VANA kicks ass for that cheese convo and Stavos action. Thank you, woman. You're always there when I need to vent.


	3. Week Five, Part 1.  Top or Bottom?

**Monday**

HyleontheHunt: Hey.  
WarriorMaiden: I thought you were still banned?  
HyleontheHunt: diversity training got it shortened  
WarriorMaiden: Did the others go?  
HyleontheHunt: ron tried but got thrown out. there still banned  
WarriorMaiden: Oh.  
HyleontheHunt: sry brie, really  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever.  
HyleontheHunt: buy u lunch?  
WarriorMaiden: I think I’m meeting Jaime.  
HyleontheHunt: srs with him?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not discussing that with you.

[WarriorMaiden has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Hey, Jaime, are we having lunch today?  
Kingslayer: YES!  
WarriorMaiden: Enchilada place?  
Kingslayer: Sure, I mean, sure...wherever you want to go.  
HyleontheHunt: ltr bri

[HyleontheHunt has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: What the fuck were you doing talking to him?  
WarriorMaiden: He’s not banned anymore.  
Kingslayer: I’m going to pound that douchebag into the dirt.  
WarriorMaiden: You already did.  
Kingslayer: I did. Want to watch the video again?  
WarriorMaiden: Does saying yes make me a terrible person?  
Kingslayer: You could never be a terrible person, Brienne. Never.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay….I’m watching it now.  
Kingslayer: I look good, don’t I?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up, idiot.  
Kingslayer: Enchiladas, wench?  
WarriorMaiden: I was just trying to make him go away. I didn’t mean it. You don’t have to go to lunch with me.

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Brienne, were you using me?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes?  
iluvgilly: did i interrupt a relationship talk again?  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: Yes.  
iluvgilly: i shud go  
WarriorMaiden: Wait, Sam. Jaime and I were just joking. I'm not using him.  
iluvgilly: k...

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: You can use me whenever you want. It’s totally girlfriendy of you. And we are getting enchiladas.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. Are you wearing that stupid shirt again?  
Kingslayer: The one with the red embroidery?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
Kingslayer: No. You murdered it.  
WarriorMaiden: I was going to flip more sauce on it.  
Kingslayer: I can go shirtless, you can flip sauce on me and then lick it off.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.

一

FertileNonagenarian: whut?  
PinkISPretty: i need flayed man cookie cutters  
FertileNonagenarian: y r u asking me?  
PinkISPretty: i thought u might want 2 get them for me as a present  
FertileNonagenarian: if i got u presents, id have 2 gt presents 4 every1, i aint that rich  
PinkISPretty: k, y don’t u suggest it 2 roosie?  
FertileNonagenarian: no fukin way

一

LadyRose: Topic of the day. Top or bottom?  
UKnowUWantMe: switch  
BeardedStag: I’m with Lor.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Top.  
RedHeadedMother: Top.  
WardenWolf: like pants or shirts? pants always, i can go shirtless  
LegitimizeThisBitches: sex position, u dumass, and bottom so she does the work  
YoungWolf: ohgodsohgodsohgods, mom!  
Bronn4Sale: from behind  
BAMFLannister: Good gods, Olenna. Do you actually discuss these things?  
URallAssholes: we’d rather she didnt  
BAMFLannister: And I find myself agreeing with Tyrion. Tyrion!

[BAMFLannister has left the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: Really, Robb. Do you think you were conceived by immaculate conception?  
YoungWolf: DO NOT WANT 2 KNOW  
URallAssholes: like agreeing w me is so bad, bottom btw  
SharkReek: ur a shit, tyrion, no one agrees w you  
LadyRose: I do. Well, in reverse.  
URallAssholes: ;)  
KissedByFire: Top.  
IKnowALittleSomething: top  
SharkReek: heh  
KellyCsBear: whichever pleases her best  
SexViper: Both. At the same time.  
SexontheSand: Exactly.  
MrsYoungWolf: I am not answering this question with my in-laws present.  
SexontheSand: You should be more open.  
MrsYoungWolf: Oberyn, would you want to hear your daughters’ boyfriends discuss this in a public forum?  
SexViper: …  
Unknown: A parent respects his or her children.  
RedHeadedMother: Fine. We’ll go. Ned. Follow me.  
WardenWolf: yes

[RedheadedMother has left the conversation.]  
[WardenWolf has left the conversation.]

SharkReek: hes fucking whipped  
Bronn4Sale: exactly y i like from behind  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Nice.  
MrsYoungWolf: Bottom.  
YoungWolf: top  
CommissionerByRight: Why must you people discuss such things at all?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: We are completely and utterly bored with our lives?  
BeardedStag: Who hasn’t answered?  
PinkISPretty: roosie asked me not to overshare so much, but bottom  
PinkISPretty: don’t tell him I said so  
PinkISPretty: well, he knows, but don’t tell him i told  
LegitimizeThisBitches: pass the brain bleach  
SharkReek: fukin hells  
Unknown: A man likes his secrets.  
BeardedStag: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: I’m waiting for Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: If I had to choose one…  
Kingslayer: …  
WarriorMaiden: I’m taking the question the way Ned did and saying I’d wear shirts over pants.  
URallAssholes: cop out!  
Kingslayer: Green plaid shirts.

一

 

**Tuesday**

LadyRose: My hair looks terrible. Look at it.  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t believe you’re sending us photos of your hair.  
LadyRose: It’s awful.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s hanging in curls half way down your back.  
LadyRose: But it’s uneven.  
WarriorMaiden: So go get it straightened?  
LadyRose: Olyvar is out of two for two more weeks. Which is why I had to go to Amerei anyway. This haircut is appalling.  
KissedByFire: I just let my hair grow.  
SexontheSand: I get a trim.  
WarriorMaiden: I go to SuperCuts.  
LadyRose: I know. We all know about your hair, Brienne. It looks like you cut it with nail scissors.  
WarriorMaiden: They do a nice job.  
LadyRose: Your hairstyle involves you showering, then blowdrying it, or worse, letting it air dry.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Even I blowdry.  
KissedByFire: I only wash mine twice per week.  
WarriorMaiden: I shower sometimes twice per day. I mean, I get sweaty when I work out.  
SexontheSand: That much sex can lead to extra showering, which can make your hair dry out.  
WarriorMaiden: My hair is fine.  
LadyRose: Your hair has been looking better lately.  
WarriorMaiden: ...I’ve been staying at Jaime’s.  
LadyRose: Brienne. What kind of conditioner does he use?  
WarriorMaiden: I don't know?  
LadyRose: Investigate next time and report back.  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe there won't be a next time.  
KissedByFire: You two have been dating for like, ever.  
WarriorMaiden: We broke up? Kind of?  
SexontheSand: Such a shame. Do you need consoled?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: So it's sex with the ex?  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, we broke up, but it’s complicated.  
LadyRose: It’s simple. Hot guy, cares about you, fucks your brains out, goes down.  
KissedByFire: Oral is important. Good oral makes up for other deficiencies.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Lovin' tits is easy cause they’re beautiful  
Makin' love with tits is all I wanna do  
Lovin' tits is more than just a dream come true  
And everything that I do is out of lovin' tits  
La la la la la la la... do do do do do aaaaaahhh aaaaaaaaaaahhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Jon is deficient?  
SharkReek: heh  
LadyRose: OUT THEON.  
SharkReek: i nver get 2 have fun

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

KissedByFire: Jon’s short.  
WarriorMaiden: But he insulted me.  
KissedByFire: Jon?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Theon insults you all the time.  
WarriorMaiden: No, Jaime.  
KissedByFire: Good because I’d kick Jon’s ass.  
LadyRose: Blah blah blah, fantasy football lineup, blah blah blah.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: He insulted your fantasy football skills?  
KissedByFire: Who cares?  
WarriorMaiden: He also called me fat?  
LadyRose: HE WHAT?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: THAT JACKASS.  
SexontheSand: Your body is amazing Brienne. So amazing.  
LadyRose: Why didn’t you tell us this? I mean, calling a woman fat is near unforgivable.  
WarriorMaiden: He didn’t exactly say fat. I mean...he just implied that I was heavy.

[MrsYoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

MrsYoungWolf: What’s up?  
LadyRose: Jaime called Brienne fat.  
MrsYoungWolf: NO! Did you cut off his balls?  
WarriorMaiden: I mean, that’s not really why I was mad at him. Am mad at him. I guess.  
KissedByFire: Did you deny him sex but make him go down on you?  
WarriorMaiden: What? No! I mean. No.  
LadyRose: They are still fucking like rabbits.  
MrsYoungWolf: Still?  
LadyRose: They never stopped.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I thought you said you broke up?  
WarriorMaiden: We did. I mean. We have. Sort of?  
LadyRose: They haven’t.  
SexontheSand: Sex should never be a punishment, only a reward. Even spanking is a reward.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You can’t reward him for calling you fat.  
WarriorMaiden: ...

一  
UKnowUWantMe: whut do u mean?  
LadyRose: I mean Olyvar is on vacation.  
UKnowUWantMe: but he was going to give me a good cut that will hide the damage and my hair is finally starting 2 grow out and he did that glaze treatment and fuck fuck fukc I need Olyvar!  
SharkReek: glaze like a doughnut?  
LadyRose: A glaze is a hair treatment, dumbass. It makes your hair shiny and glossy.  
SharkReek: like jaime’s?  
UKnowUWantMe: FUCK U

一


	4. Week Five, Part 2.  Apologies, Snuggies and Nuts.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jaime gets in trouble and then makes Jeyne cry.

**Wednesday**

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Dick.  
Kingslayer: What?  
MrsYoungWolf: You’re an asshole.  
Kingslayer: Okay, I’ll bite, what makes me an asshole now?  
MrsYoungWolf: You called Brienne fat.  
Kingslayer: I did not. I just said I was strong enough to carry her to the bedroom.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You carried her to the bedroom?  
Kingslayer: Yeah...a couple times. And held her up against a wall. And in the shower.  
Kingslayer: And lifted her up on the table.  
Kingslayer: A couple times.  
MrsYoungWolf: You mean sex up against a wall?  
Kingslayer: Or, you know, just standing.  
MrsYoungWolf: Oh.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Nice.  
Kingslayer: Does that make me a dick or an asshole?  
MrsYoungWolf: Maybe not. So, uh...I was wondering, do you..you know, take something?  
Kingslayer: You mean like steroids? No. I just work out a lot. With Brienne usually.  
MrsYoungWolf: Oh.  
MrsYoungWolf: Is there maybe something special Brienne does?  
Kingslayer: For what?  
MrsYoungWolf: I mean...something you like?  
Kingslayer: What do I like about her?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Sure.  
Kingslayer: What’s not to like about her? I like it when she rolls her big blue eyes at me. She never just agrees with me. Even when she should. She's not impressed with my family or my money. She always wants me to prove myself. She never lets me be lazy. When she sleeps, she makes this little pufty noise and scrunches her nose when she’s dreaming.  
Kingslayer: Her eyes are beautiful. You think they are just one shade of blue, but then it changes and each blue seems bluer than the last. I could stare at her eyes for days. She’s so strong and her skin. Her skin is soft over all that muscle. And gods, her freckles are amazing. She smells like warm and I know warm doesn't smell, but it does and that's Brienne.  
Kingslayer: It's hard to make her smile but when she does, it's everything. When she scowls she gets this adorable little line on her forehead. She's genuine. She's not makeup or clothes or hair products. She is who she is and she's not trying to be something different.  
Kingslayer: She’s good. Not like good at everything, because she’s not good at some things, no matter what she thinks. But she’s a good person. She's honorable and kind and trustworthy and honest. She doesn’t lie or cheat or steal or trick people. She’s just good. And she makes me want to be better.  
Kingslayer: Even when she’s mad at me, if everyone I ever knew abandoned me in the dark, she’d still be there, bringing light into my life.  
MrsYoungWolf: I think I’m crying.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I need someome to say that about me.  
Kingslayer: And the sex is unfuckingbelievable.

一

URallAssholes: he probs didnt mean it, he’s just dumb  
LadyRose: He called her fat!  
URallAssholes: she told me she was mad at him bc he didn’t respect her ff skillz  
LadyRose: Who cares about that? He called her fat!  
URallAssholes: whatcha want me 2 do? disown him? kick his ass?  
LadyRose: Make him apologize! And tell her she’s beautiful.  
URallAssholes: fukin hells

[URallAssholes has invited Kingslayer to the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Hey.  
LadyRose: Asshole.  
Kingslayer: Fucking hells. I just went through this with Jeyne and Yarsha.  
URallAssholes: u have 2 apologize  
LadyRose: And tell her she’s beautiful.  
Kingslayer: Jeyne? Yarsha?  
LadyRose: No, Asshole. Brienne.  
Kingslayer: But I didn't do anything wrong!  
URallAssholes: u call her fat?  
Kingslayer: No. I just said I had to be strong to carry her. That is not calling her fat.  
LadyRose: Close enough.  
Kinglsayer: Is not!  
URallAssholes: bro, just give in  
Kingslayer: I did NOT call her fat.

一

WarriorMaiden: You what?  
MrsYoungWolf: We told Jaime off for you.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh. What did he say?  
MrsYoungWolf: I can't talk about it. I just re-applied my mascara.  
WarriorMaiden: ?  
MrsYoungWolf: Does he really carry you to the bedroom?  
WarriorMaiden: ...sometimes?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Wow.  
WarriorMaiden: He is strong enough.  
MrsYoungWolf: I’m going to tell Robb to hit the gym.  
MrsYoungWolf: You have to marry him.  
WarriorMaiden: Robb?  
MrsYoungWolf: No, Jaime.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Definitely. I’d marry him.  
MrsYoungWolf: Me too.  
WarriorMaiden: …

一

BeardedStag: Dude, even I know you never call a woman fat.  
Kingslayer: I did NOT call her fat.  
BeardedStag: Uh huh.  
Kingslayer: I just said I was strong enough to carry her to the bedroom.  
BeardedStag: You can carry her?  
Kingslayer: Yeah, sure. It’s not a big deal.  
BeadedStag: Oh really? You’re that strong?

[UKnowUWantMe has joined the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Yeah, I work out. I’m a pretty muscular guy.  
BeardedStag: Tell me more?  
UKnowUWantMe: jaime, u asshole  
Kingslayer: I never called anyone fat.  
UKnowUWantMe: whut?  
BeardedStag: Tell me about your workout routine?  
UKnowUWantMe: srlsy ren? is this about my hair?  
Kingslayer: Dude, what is wrong with your hair? Even I noticed it.  
UKnowUWantMe: FUCK U

一

RedHeadedMother: Power, heated air dryers in public restrooms are more sanitary.  
FertileNonagenarian: i like the towels  
RedHeadedMother: But it's bad for the environment, wasting all that paper.  
FertileNonagenarian: i dont wash my hands every time though  
RedHeadedMother: Ugh.

一

Kingslayer: Wench?  
WarriorMaiden: Idiot?  
Kingslayer: I'm sorry and you're beautiful.  
WarriorMaiden: What? Don't be stupid.  
Kingslayer: I know! I didn't do anything wrong!

一

 

**Thursday**

Kingslayer: I got a snuggie.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: It’s turning colder, so I got us a snuggle. To watch the game tonight.  
WarriorMaiden: You got one of those blankets with arms?  
Kingslayer: Yeah, but this one is for both of us.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: It’s a couple’s snuggie.  
WarriorMaiden: Why would we need a couple’s snuggie?  
Kingslayer: So we can do hand stuff underneath without the blankets getting all shifty.

[SexViper has joined the conversation.]  
[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SexViper: Is someone discussing manual sex?  
SharkReek: Now I like tits loose, titloose  
Kick off the Sunday bras  
Please, Louise, I’ll get down on my knees  
Jack, get Mack, come on before we crack  
Loose your tits, everybody cut titsloose  
WarriorMaiden: That was horrible.  
SharkReek: not my best work, but dude, kenny loggins!  
Kingslayer: Don’t you have figure skating practice, Theon?  
SexViper: Back to the manual sex.  
SharkReek: whuts manual sex dude?  
Kingslayer: Really?  
SexViper: Come, Theon. I shall explain it to you, in detail.  
SharkReek: K

[SexViper has left the converation.]  
[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: I’m torn between wanting to know what Oberyn is explaining and being revolted by the thought.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m going with revolted.  
Unknown: A man agrees with revolted.  
Kingslayer: Jaqen, when the fuck did you get here?  
Unknown: A man likes a snuggie.

一

KellyCsBear: What kind of mints do young adult women like?  
PerfectPrincess: lemon mints!  
KellyCsBear:Do you believe a young married woman would also prefer lemon?  
PerfectPrincess: ….uh?  
KellyCsBear: Not that I’m interested in pursuing a married woman. Certainly not. Unless you think that she would find that charming?  
PerfectPrincess: idk?  
KellyCsBear: Right. Right. Anyway lemon mints right?  
PerfectPrincess: yeah  
KellyCsBear: Now would you like an older gentleman whose breath smelled of lemon mints?  
PerfectPrincess:…..  
KellyCsBear: No? Yes? What does the multiple dots mean?!

一

MrsYoungWolf: Not pregnant. AGAIN.  
LadyRose: Sorry Jeyne.  
KissedByFire: Damn.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Bummer.  
SexontheSand: Relax. It will happen.  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe next month?  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb has started wanting me to have red meat with every meal and he has so many salty snacks in the house, I wake up every morning with a salt hangover.  
LadyRose: Why?  
SexontheSand: Ah...he wants a son.  
WarriorMaiden: Salt hangover?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Like when you eat a whole pizza and don’t drink enough water and you wake up in the morning feeling like your tongue is swollen.  
LadyRose: I could down a whole pizza right now.  
KissedByFire: Or a pizza sub.  
MrsYoungWolf: Pepperoni.  
WarriorMaiden: I like bread sticks and dipping sauce too.  
LadyRose: Until you start gaining weight, you are not allowed to share in our food lust discussion! You too, Ygritte.  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t help it I work out a lot!  
KissedByFire: I have a high metabolism.  
SexontheSand: A average instance of sexual intercourse burns 300-450 calories.  
KissedByFire: I suspect Jaime and Brienne burn more.  
WarriorMaiden: Not discussing.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I like anchovies on my pizza.  
LadyRose: Don’t make me kick you out of our food lust discussion as well.  
MrsYoungWolf: I’m going to drink my third carbonated beverage of the day. At least having more sex means I’m burning more calories.  
SexontheSand: So have the pizza?  
LadyRose: I fucking hate you all sometimes.

一

CommissionerByRight: The original is a far superior film and I would prefer Shireen not view the re-make.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: She’s a pre-teen girl. You know she has a crush on Johnny Depp.  
CommissionerByRight: He’s not even remotely attractive as Willy Wonka.  
SexViper: I agree with Stannis.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Doesn’t matter. She thinks he’s a hottie.  
CommissionerByRight: I am not ready for my daughter to start having crushes.  
SexViper: Fathers never are.

一

Kingslayer: So...watching the game at my place?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes.  
Kingslayer: Snuggie?  
WarriorMaiden: If it’s cold.  
Kingslayer: Hand stuff?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: It’s girlfriendy.

一

 

**Friday**

LadyRose: Free for all topic of the day.  
LadyRose: Favorite nuts.  
PinkISPretty: cashews  
RedHeadedMother: Hazelnuts.  
WardenWolf: filberts are gross, i like dornish peanuts  
FertileNonagenarian: nuts hurt mah teeth  
WarriorMaiden: I like peanuts in the shell that you crack open yourself.  
Kingslayer: And leave bits of shell all over the couch that have to be cleaned up.  
URallAssholes: by ur cleaning lady  
WarriorMaiden: You’re the one who was messy!  
LimpingLord: Is this really what you people do all day? Discuss food?  
URallAssholes: nah, its usually sex  
SexViper: I also like the hazelnut, hazel nut cream.  
Bronn4Sale: nutella  
FlayMaster: Naarth nuts.  
CommissionerByRight: Almonds.  
SharkKing: almonds r good 4 ur prostate  
KissedByFire: Walnuts.  
URallAssholes: i could have gone my whole life never thinking about balon's prostate  
Brone4Sale: ditto  
IKnowALittleSomething: sugared pecans  
UKnowUWantMe: my fav nuts swing  
LadyRose: Shut up Loras. There are children here.  
iluvgilly: pistachio  
MrsYoungWolf: I’m allergic to nuts.  
RedHeadedMother: I know.  
PerfectPrincess: i like that pretzel, white chocolate roast peanut thing mom makes  
ChampionRower: that is da bomb  
Needler: i thought we weren’t saying da bomb ne more?  
ChampionRower: shrug?  
WardenWolf: did you eat all of that last batch, gendry???  
SharkReek: that pine nut that goes in pasta sauce stuff  
RedHeadedMother: Ned. Gendry is a growing young man and he is welcome to eat anything in my kitchen.  
Needler: :)  
ChampionRower: thank u Mrs Stark, ur a good cook  
WardenWolf: y does he get 2 clean out the kitchen???  
LadyRose: Got a recipe, Cat?  
KissedByFire: Yeah, that stuff is amazeballs. I could live on it.  
Kingslayer: You mean that stuff you had at the draft?  
iluvgilly: thanks 4 sharing, gilly makes it all the time now  
MrsYoungWolf: Cat has a recipe for everything.  
RedHeadedMother: Thanks, Jeyne. It’s just pretzels and dry roasted peanuts and white chocolate. You melt the white chocolate, pour it over the bowl of pretzels and peanuts, mix it up until everything is coated and then spread it out on wax paper to dry.  
YoungWolf: can u make some 2night?  
MrsYoungWolf: You know I can't Robb.  
YoungWolf: i meant mom  
PinkISPretty: c an i try it w cashews?  
WarriorMaiden: Even I could make that.  
IKnowALittleSomething: i tried and burnt the chocolate  
iluvgilly: and the apartment reeked for days  
SharkReek: nuthin wrong w a little reek

 

**Week 5  WrapUp**

Team Stannis/Davos handed 2Old2Care their second loss of the season, but it was a squeaker, 102.70-102.05. The biggest margin of victory went to the undefeated Maiden’s Warriors, who beat Flayers’ Players by 65.75 points. Getting their first win this week was Thorny Stags, who beat the hapless DragonKings.

### Week 5 Standings  
  
---  
1 | Maiden's Warriors | 5-0-0  
2 | Hear Me Kick Ass | 4-1-0  
3 | Team Stannis/Davos | 3-2-0  
4 | 2Old2Care | 3-2-0  
5 | The Faceless Team | 3-2-0  
6 | Night’s Winnerman | 3-2-0  
7 | IWillBeYourChamption | 3-2-0  
8 | Flayers’ Players | 3-2-0  
9 | Thorny Stags | 1-4-0  
10 | Winter Wolves | 1-4-0  
11 | GridIronBorn | 1-4-0  
12 | Dragon Kings | 0-5-0  
  
**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to PoketNinja for the lemon mints!


	5. Week Six, Part 1.  Sorry, Brienne.

**Monday**

LadyRose: Here’s the deal, everyone is too busy to go with Brienne to the dentist. Jaime has to do it.  
KissedByFire: Why isn’t Jaime doing it anyway?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: It’s Jaime and Brienne.  
MrsYoungWolf: They are still having sex. All the time. And he is so sweet.  
KissedByFire: Lannister is sweet?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: We are not discussing it.  
MrsYoungWolf: Fucking mascara.  
SexontheSand: Has anyone gotten the details?  
KissedByFire: Marg?  
LadyRose: Not as many as I’d like.  
MrsYoungWolf: She and Jaime broke up and they still have more sex than Robb and I do.  
KissedByFire: Okay, spread the word.  
KissedByFire: Why are we doing this again anyway?  
LadyRose: …  
MrsYoungWolf: To have Jaime beat Brienne and the entire League to fall apart so Catelyn can get her couch back from Ned on Sundays?  
KissedByFire: You know, I kind of like having Sundays to myself.  
LadyRose: So I can have dates on Saturday night who don’t worry about checking the injury reports on Sunday morning.  
SexontheSand: Does Tyrion do that?  
LadyRose: ...No.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: We really need to show them that a woman can kick ass.  
SexontheSand: Absolutely.  
MrsYoungWolf: Sure? Cat would kill me if I gave up on her Plan. She has a big plan to redecorate and get a new sofa.  
KissedByFire: Now that Sam is dating Gilly, Jon is less football obsessed.  
LadyRose: Look. We can’t just give in. We have to see this through and that means Brienne takes Jaime down.  
MrsYoungWolf: Jaime goes down too.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: We spend more time on Jaime and Brienne's relationship than our own.

一

LadyRose: Sorry Brienne, I have to cancel on you. I have an important work meeting with grandmother.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks. I’m sure Ren will help me out.

一

BeardedStag: No can do, Brienne. That’s the day after the Kathy Griffin show. We won’t be back.  
UKnowUWantMe: we have a brunch 2  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks. I’m sure I’ll find someone.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

UKnowUWantMe: k-grif isn’t even on tour  
BeardedStag: Like Brienne would know.

一

PinkISPretty: sry brienne. im not allowed to help with Roosie’s patients  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks Walda.

一

RedHeadedMother: I would if I were in King’s Landing, Brienne. You know that.  
MrsYoungWolf: Me too.  
SexontheSand: Dorne is also too far away.  
KissedByFire: The Wall.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I have meetings with Dad and believe me, you don’t want Theon or Ramsay.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks for trying. I’m sure I can find someone.  
PerfectPrincess: dr bolton is scary, be careful  
Needler: take jaime and he will punch ne1 who bothers u  
RedHeadedMother: ARYA.  
Needler: *rolls eyes* come on mom, jaime is cool and he punches people if u ask, i saw the video  
WarriorMaiden: I’m sure Jaime’s too busy, but thanks for the suggestion.  
Needler: wevs, hed do it 4u  
RedHeadedMother: Jaime Lannister is not cool, he cannot be trusted Arya.  
RedHeadedMother: I’m sure Jaime is willing to take you to the doctor and care for you, Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: Catelyn? That doesn’t make sense.  
RedHeadedMother: …

一

FingerfewerHand: Sorry Brienne. Stannis and I have a school appointment with Shireen.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks Davos. I appreciate you trying.

一

Bronn4Sale: i would if u paid me  
WarriorMaiden: Paid you?  
Unknown: A man can be bought.  
WarriorMaiden: I was thinking of it more as a favor.  
Bronn4Sale: nope  
Unknown: A man has no favors to spare.

一

Evenstar: I can come over on a boat if you need me.  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t worry about it Dad. I’m sure I’ll find someone.  
Evenstar: How about that young man of yours?  
WarriorMaiden: Not together anymore…  
Evenstar: But wasn’t he at your place when I called the other day?  
WarriorMaiden: He just stopped by to drop off some stuff.  
Evenstar: That’s all?  
WarriorMaiden: What level have you reached in Candy Crush?

一

 

**Tuesday**

WarriorMaiden: Come on, Tyrion, help me out.  
URallAssholes: ur like 3x my height, id b useless  
WarriorMaiden: I’ve asked everyone but the guys at the Wall, Viserys and Jorah and Walder.  
URallAssholes: u can’t ask walder, ull end up his new wife  
WarriorMaiden: ...Ew.  
URallAssholes: u ask ur bf?  
WarriorMaiden: We broke up?  
URallAssholes: uh huh, thats y he spent last night at ur place  
WarriorMaiden: Shut UP.  
URallAssholes: just ask him

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want,  
So tell me what you want, what you really really want,  
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna get me some tits.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE. I’m desperate.  
SharkReek: ur desperate? i mean, if ur desperate  
WarriorMaiden: Get lost, Theon.  
SharkReek: jes saying brie, desperate is hot  
URallAssholes: exhibit A, theon greyjoy: desperate hot or just desperate?  
WarriorMaiden: Just desperate.  
SharkReek: come on, im not tht bad, ud do me  
WarriorMaiden: You’d have better luck with Ramsay.  
SharkReek: …  
SharkReek: did he say something 2u?

一

PerfectPrincess: i dont really like justin bieber  
SharkReek: u don’t think he has cool hair?  
PerfectPrincess: he’s 2 girly 4 me  
SharkReek: but didn’t he get tats?  
PerfectPrincess: i dunno…  
SharkReek: i thought hot chicks liked him  
PerfectPrincess: y would u think that  
SharkReek: i see #jb chats and it’s always full of hot chicks on cam  
PerfectPrincess: i think that’s a different jb

一

WarriorMaiden: Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Yes, honey?  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP.  
Kingslayer: You messaged me.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine. I need a favor.  
Kingslayer: Yes, I will come over to your office right now and go down on you under your desk.  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP.  
Kingslayer: Fuck you in the conference room?  
WarriorMaiden: I should just ask Hyle.  
Kingslayer: YOU WILL NOT ASK HYLE THE CUNT ANYTHING EVER FOR ANY REASON.  
WarriorMaiden: I don't want to!  
Kingslayer: Then don't!  
WarriorMaiden: Look, I have to have some dental surgery. I have a wisdom tooth that needs extracted. Roose is going to do it, but he will put me under and I need someone to take me home and stay with me for a few hours afterwards. Maybe overnight. But probably not.  
Kingslayer: You're hurt? Why didn't I know you were hurt?  
WarriorMaiden: It's just a tooth thing. It's not a big deal.  
Kingslayer: You're getting surgery. It's a huge deal. Have you had a second opinion?  
WarriorMaiden: It's FINE. I just can't be alone and for some reason, every human being I know except your brother is busy on that day.  
Kingslayer: Why would you ask anyone else?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime...  
Kingslayer: Brienne, of course I will take care of you. Letting me take care of you is definitely girlfriendy.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever. Thank you. I just need you to drive me there and take me home and sit there a few hours.  
Kingslayer: I’ll take you back to my place.  
WarriorMaiden: My place is fine.  
Kingslayer: My place is bigger.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: Just shut up and let me take of you.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay.  
Kingslayer: Good.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Wench?  
WarriorMaiden: Thank you.

一

BeardedStag: Chutes and Ladders.  
iluvgilly: i liked candyland  
TheLastDragon: go fish  
LegitmizeThisBitches: go fish was fukin lame  
SexViper: Not if you play strip go fish.  
FingerfewerHand: I think I read about that once in a diary.  
BeardedStag: …

一

Kingslayer: Hey, dickhat.  
FlayMaster: What do you want, Jaime?  
Kingslayer: You’re doing Brienne’s surgery?  
FlayMaster: I can neither confirm or deny. Under patient privacy acts, I cannot discuss anything patient-related without a signed, notarized Release of Information.  
Kingslayer: What the fuck ever.  
Kingslayer: Here’s the deal. You’d better use painkillers on her.  
FlayMaster: All of my surgeries are done with the appropriate dosage of anesthesia and I prescribe the appropriate pain medication.  
Kingslayer: Bull FUCKING SHIT, Bolton. I know you, you evil bastard.  
FlayMaster: Are you making an accusation?  
Kingslayer: I am saying that my girlfriend better not be in pain from whatever you do to her and that you’d better prescribe her the maximum dosage of painkillers.  
FlayMaster: Again, I cannot discuss anything regarding a possible patient.  
Kingslayer: If she’s in any pain, I will consider that a debt, Bolton. And as you know, a Lannister always pays his debts.

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

FlayMaster: …

一

 

**Wednesday**

Kingslayer: That asshole Bolton kept us waiting for hours. Last surgery of the day. I brought her home and she’s sleeping.  
URallAssholes: good job bro  
BeardedStag: Thanks for the update Jaime.  
LadyRose: Let me know if you need anything.  
KissedByFire: Does she look like a chipmunk?  
iluvgilly: …  
KissedByFire: When Jon got his wisdom teeth out, he looked like a pouty chipmunk.  
iluvgilly: u know, he really did  
Kingslayer: She looks amazing. She’s asleep all sprawled out in the bed. I have to go and get her shoes and pants off. I’ll update you later.  
Kingslayer: Do not call her. She’s probably shouldn’t talk much for the next two days. Call me if you need anything from her.  
LadyRose: Gotcha.

[Kingslayer has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: he’s gonna make someone a good little wife one day  
Bronn4Sale: fukin hells, he is, isn’t he?  
LadyRose: ?

一

IronIslandsBattleBabe: It’s a mistake.  
FertileNonagenarian: i know whut im doing gurl  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You’re going to lose. You haven’t been taking my advice.  
FertileNonagenarian: i bin playinf fantasy football 4 decades  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: And losing.  
FertileNonagenarian: dont need no gurl  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: You can’t beat Jaime without my help.  
FertIleNonagenarian: not happening, we can date tho?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: No.  
FertileNonagenarian: demmit

一


	6. Week Six, Part 2.  This is Your Brienne on Drugs.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brienne is recovering at Jaime's.

**Thursday**

IronIslandsBattleBabe: She just signed on.  
LadyRose: Maybe the surgery wasn’t a big deal.

[LadyRose has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Hey Brienne. How did your surgery go?  
WarriorMaiden: It was wonderful. Everything is wonderful.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: ?  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t talk though. Jaime said I could play on my computer.  
LadyRose: Brienne. Are you on drugs?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime made me take pills. TWO of them. Even though Dr. Bolton said one one one was enough.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: So you’re stoned? And still able to type?  
WarriorMaiden: No. Yes. I feel good. I used to type papers in college for extra money. I am a very very good at being a typing person.  
LadyRose: Out of her mind.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: So, Brienne. Tell us about Jaime.  
WarriorMaiden: He smells amazing. If you get a chance, you should sniff him. He always smells so amazing. I secretly sniff him sometimes. Don't tell anyone. It's a secret.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: About the sex. Tell us about the sex with Jaime.  
LadyRose: We really shouldn’t take advantage of her like this.  
LadyRose: But yeah, tell us about his cock.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s wonderful. More wonderful than I feel right this very nowing time.

[KissedByFire has joined the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: Do you do anything kinky?  
KissedByFire: What? Who is doing kinky stuff?  
WarriorMaiden: What does kinky mean? I never know what's kinky and what isn't. Jaime likes to have sex on tables.  
LadyRose: On tables?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: You're tittyful. You're tittyful.  
You're tittyful, it's true.  
I saw your tits in a crowded place,  
And I don't know what to do,  
'Cause I'll never be with tits.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: She has a point. It's only kinky the first time.  
SharkReek: OH GROSS YARSHA

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

KissedByFire: Brienne is talking sex??  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: She’s on painkillers and stoned out of her mind.  
WarriorMaiden: On tables. We kind of broke the leg on my kitchen table, but he caught me before I fell on the table floor place.  
KissedByFire: What? You were bent over the table and he caught you?  
WarriorMaiden: No. I was laying on the table. When it started to go down, he caught me around the back of my waist back spine and carried me into the bedroom.  
LadyRose: That is so fucking hot.  
WarriorMaiden: Laying or lying? Which is it? I can never rememberer.  
WarriorMaiden: I need to go ask Stannis.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

KissedByFire: So fucking hot. Why does she have all the hot sex?  
LadyRose: She kind of deserves it?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Point.

一

WarriorMaiden: But it was such an important question. I just can’t remember it.  
CommissionerByRight: Was it an issue with the rules?  
WarriorMaiden: It was some rule. Some very important rule. They were asking me about Jaime and Jaime things and stuff.  
FingerfewerHand: Who was?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t remember that either. But Jaime smells good. Have you smelled him? You should. He smells like all the heavens.  
CommissionerByRight: Does he wear a specific cologne? Was this a cologne rule?  
FingerfewerHand: Brienne. Did you have your dental surgery?  
WarriorMaiden: I DID. It was wonderful.  
CommissionerByRight: Dental surgery with Roose Bolton was wonderful?  
FingerfewerHand: Where are you right now, Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: In Jaime’s bed and it’s wonderful. He has great sheets. And it smells like him. They smell like him. It or they, Stannis?  
CommissionerByRight: If you are referring to the bed, it smells. If you are referring to the sheets, they smell. If you are referring to Jaime specifically, he smells.  
WarriorMaiden: All of those smell wonderful.  
CommissionerByRight: Does he use a specific liquid fabric softener or brand of dryer sheets?  
WarriorMaiden: I don't know. Should I ask?  
FingerfewerHand: Is Jaime there right now?  
WarriorMaiden: He's in the other room and he's working. I didn't know he really worked but he does!

[Bronn4Sale has joined the conversation.]

FingerfewerHand: Perhaps I should let Jaime know you're awake.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime Jaime Jaime Jaime. Isn't his name pretty?  
Bronn4Sale: fukin hells  
CommissionerByRight: Jaime is a slightly effeminate, although an acceptable name. Shireen is a lovely name.  
WarriorMaiden: But everything about Jaime is pretty! He makes me do laughing and other stuff that I don't always want to have doings of. And he's more stuff than people think he is. He's not just pretty and Lannistering, he's Jaime and that's someone so different from that other Jaime that people think. He's so much better than the pretty he is.  
WarriorMaiden: He takes care of me even when I don't need caring taken of. He always gets extra mustard and knows that I like green onion dip over that other onion chip dipping but that I like caramel apples if they're green and not red.  
WarriorMaiden: He sits on the same side of a booth and we stretch out or legs because my legs get tired being all crampy and then he'll rubbing them and it's wonderful. And he's smart too. He just pretends not to be because it's easy and he's Jaime and he's wonderful.  
Bronn4Sale: im gunna hurl  
CommissionerByRight: You should get to a restroom or at least obtain a waste basket, Bronn.  
FingerfewerHand: And are you on pain medication, Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Yes, but I don’t think I need it. I feel wonderful.  
FingerfewerHand: Does Jaime know you're chatting?  
WarriorMaiden: Shhh..he’s in the other room. He might hear you.  
CommissionerByRight: We are not engaged in audio chat.  
WarriorMaiden: It was such an important question though…  
FingerfewerHand: You should go to sleep.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. Thanks Davos. You’re sweet.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

CommissionerByRight: Well. She's right about that. You are sweet.  
Bronn4Sale: lunch lost

一

WarriorMaiden: Jaime’s cock is amazing. It’s big, like bigger than I thought would be okay, but he does this thing to make it not hurt. At least I think he does. Anyway. It doesn't hurt usualualy.  
BearededStag: So, how big? Exactly?  
WarriorMaiden: Like...this big?  
BeardedStag: Are you holding up your hands to show me?  
WarriorMaiden: I was. Now I’m typing again. I can't show you and do the typing at the same time.  
BeardedStag: Brie, honey, I can’t see you.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh. Sorry.

[UKnowUWantMe has joined the conversation.]

UKnowUWantMe: sup? brie? still on drugs?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime’s cock is this big.  
UKnowUWantMe: whut?  
WarriorMaiden: Ren wanted to know. He was asking me. Questions. About Jaime's cock. Cock is a funny word. Cock.  
BeardedStag: She’s out of her mind on painkillers.  
WarriorMaiden: Cock.   
UKnowUWantMe: U THINK HES HOTTER THAN ME  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime is hotter than you. He’s the hottest. His skin is all smooth and golden and his chest hair is so perfect. Have you seen his ass? I like to squeeze it.  
BeardedStag: No, Lor, no, I’m just letting her ramble.  
UKnowUWantMe: i am hotter than jaime  
WarriorMaiden: No, you’re not. Jaime is dreamy hot. His ass is perfect. And his thighs. He has beautiful thighs. Jaime is half a god, the all of him half.  
Unknown: A man agrees.  
BeardedStag: Of course you’re hotter, Lor. Of course you are.  
UKnowUWantMe: fuk off jqen!  
WarriorMaiden: Nope. Jaime. He’s got better hair too. Such pretty hair.  
UKnowUWantMe: oh gods! im going 2 cry  
BeardedStag: It’s okay, baby, lets meet for lunch.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll leave you alone if you’re going to crying. Crying makes your face puffy.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

UKnowUWantMe: AND IM PUFFY???  
Unknown: A man is a girl.

一

WarriorMaiden: Nope. I’m not going to be naked for you or your Ellaria, but I am going to beat you this week.  
SexViper: I wouldn’t mind being beaten by a goddess.  
WarriorMaiden: You’re kinkyish aren’t you?  
SexViper: I do like to explore. Come to Dorne. Explore with me.  
WarriorMaiden: I am going to explore Jaime’s side of the bed now.  
SexViper: And is the Lannister there?  
WarriorMaiden: He’s in the other room working. He hasn't even signed the chat thing in and I wanted to chat with him. He told me to sleep.  
SexViper: Then perhaps you should, goddess Brienne.  
WarriorMaiden: Don't bossy me, Mister!

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

SexontheSand: We can’t even get her naked when she’s stoned.  
SexViper: So disappointing.  
SexontheSand: Especially now that Olyvar has gone back to King’s Landing.  
SexViper: We will find another.

一

WarriorMaiden: And he likes to kiss my neck too.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: That’s always pleasant, dear, but perhaps you should go lie down.  
WarriorMaiden: I am laying lying down. In Jaime’s bed.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Then you should log off and go to sleep.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime's bed is so big and so Jaime and I'm on his side now, but we mostly sleep in the middle parts.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: And we can discuss that when you’re feeling better.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m hugging his pillow. Again. Again.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You should log off and rest.  
WarriorMaiden: He’s such a good kisser too. And he does with his mouth that thing making the sky explode and the stars twinkle in my head.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You mentioned that. A couple of times. You should rest now.  
WarriorMaiden: He’s just so amazing at sex stuff in beds. Or on the table. He likes tables. I want to have sex with him all the time. I want to have sex with him right now.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I have him on the phone, dear, he’s going to come in and tuck you in.  
WarriorMaiden: Here he is. Should I have sex with him? I want to. He smells so good.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Go to sleep, dear.  
WarriorMaiden: He’s making me logging off.

[WarriorMaiden has signed out of chat.]

BAMFLannister: …  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Shut up, Tywin.

一

 

**Friday**

WarriorMaiden: I don’t know.  
URallAssholes: u haven’t talked about it?  
WarriorMaiden: She just asks me about me and Jaime all the time.  
URallAssholes: she’s invested in u and jaime  
WarriorMaiden: Why is that? I mean, she always wants me to date.  
URallAssholes: dunno, how r u and my bro doing?  
WarriorMaiden: He tucked me into bed. I can talk kind of though. He made me take two pills when I woke up.  
URallAssholes: read u a story 2?  
WarriorMaiden YES. Last night. How did you know? And played with my hair and fed me soup!  
URallAssholes: ...that was sarcasm  
WarriorMaiden: You should be less sarcastic and more just nice because you can be the nice when you want to and Jaime told me about you telling him to bring me pizza and kiss me and that was so nice of you. It’s okay to be nice.  
URallAssholes: the pills are kicking in, arent they?  
WarriorMaiden: I just feel wonderful. You should just ask Marg to be your girlfriend. That’s how Jaime got me. He just asked me to be.  
WarriorMaiden: His girlfriendy person girlfriend.  
URallAssholes: it wasnt from fucking u n2 oblivion?  
WarriorMaiden: Shhh...don’t say that out loud. My dad might hear.  
URallAssholes: is he n the chatroom?  
WarriorMaiden: He’s on the phone.  
URallAssholes: then he can’t hear typing

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Oh. THANKS. You're the best Tyrion! I want to hug you all up right now.  
iluvgilly: i thought u were w jaime for real now?  
URallAssholes: she is, its the painkillers  
iluvgilly: okay...

一

MrsYoungWolf: So I made fudge with marshmallow cream and she turned her nose up at it.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: It isn’t as good as traditional fudge.  
MrsYoungWolf: I tried traditional fudge. I stirred and stirred but it never lost it’s shine. It was more like fudge fondue.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Why don’t you try something else? Something that Cat doesn’t make?  
MrsYoungWolf: She makes everything. Perfectly.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: It only seems that way.  
MrsYoungWolf: To Robb.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Because he’s an idiot.  
MrsYoungWolf: Is he really? Or am I a terrible wife?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You just have to accept who you are and stop trying to be someone else, dear.  
MrsYoungWolf: It’s not that easy.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Marriage never is. Just remember. Robb’s an idiot.  
MrsYoungWolf: Do you really think that?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: He’s a man, isn’t he?

一

URallAssholes: so…  
LadyRose: Dinner tonight?  
URallAssholes: of course…  
LadyRose: Oh were you going to ask something else?  
URallAssholes: nope, jsut dinner  
LadyRose: Want to cook?  
URallAssholes: u can cook?  
LadyRose: I have many skills.  
URallAssholes: im interesting in discovering all of them  
LadyRose: All of them?  
URallAssholes: all of them

一

WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Brienne, aren’t you supposed to be sleeping?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m going to...it’s all the pretty colors now.  
Kingslayer: Go to sleep. I’m right outside if you need me.  
WarriorMaiden: You could come in...if you want me. Want to. Me. To.  
Kingslayer: Brienne, your face is still swollen and you can barely talk and I want to fuck you into the bed, but I’m not going to take advantage of you.  
WarriorMaiden: Okay. You could stay with me though and work in here.  
Kingslayer: If you want.  
WarriorMaiden: I like it when you’re here more than when you’re not. Here.  
Kingslayer: I know, Brienne. Even though you don't tell me, I know.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: I’ll be there in a second.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks for taking such good caring of me.  
Kingslayer: You’re my girl, Brienne. And even if you weren’t I’d still take care of you.  
WarriorMaiden: I am not and you’re an idiot and I know you would because you’re you.  
Kingslayer: You’re not making sense. Go to sleep. I’ll be there in minute.

[Kingslayer has signed out of chat.]

WarriorMaiden: You’re my idiot and I’m your wench.  
WarriorMaiden: But I get scared sometimes and all the times that you'll see me and I'm not pretty and you'll wonder why you ever liked me or kissed me ever because of the not pretty so I try running away but it's better to be here with you than there without, right?  
WarriorMaiden: And here you are. 

[WarriorMaiden has signed out of chat.]

...

一

 

**Week 6 Recap**

Maiden’s Warriors continues to cut a swath through the League, this time defeating IWillBeYourChampion. Hear Me Kick Ass is also doing well, this time defeating 2Old2Care. DragonKings remain winless, although scoring their highest of the season, 101.20. They lost to Winter Wolves, who on the strength of Aaron Rodgers, scored 107.30. Only two other teams remain above .500, Team Stannis/Davos and The Faceless Team. Particularly terrible this week were GridIronBorn who scored only 62.60 points. They weren’t the lowest of the League though. That honor (?) goes to Flayers’ Players who racked up a stunning 61.05. The big question is, can Maiden’s Warriors run the table?

RankTeamRecord

### Week 6 Standings  
  
---  
1 | Maiden's Warriors | 6-0-0  
2 | Hear Me Kick Ass | 5-1-0  
3 | Team Stannis/Davos | 4-2-0  
4 | The Faceless Team | 4-2-0  
5 | 2Old2Care | 3-3-0  
6 | Night’s Winnerman | 3-3-0  
7 | IWillBeYourChamption | 3-3-0  
8 | Flayers’ Players | 3-3-0  
9 | Thorny Stags | 2-4-0  
10 | Winter Wolves | 2-4-0  
11 | GridIronBorn | 1-5-0  
12 | Dragon Kings | 0-6-0  
  
**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was the description of Jaime's cock as unsatisfying for you as it was for Renly?


	7. Week Seven, Part 1. Mixed Signals.

**Monday**

iluvgilly: how is brienne?  
LadyRose: She’s back at her place, relaxing and taking the day off.  
Kingslayer: She’s relaxing…  
LadyRose: She’s not back at home?  
Kingslayer: She’s still here.  
LadyRose: I thought she was going back home. You’re at home too?  
iluvgilly: is she not doing okay?  
Kingslayer: No, she’s fine. Mostly. Eating a lot of ice cream. Sitting on the couch right now, watching SportsCenter.  
LadyRose: Of course she is. Not even frozen yogurt. Full fat ice cream.  
Kingslayer: With chocolate syrup...and wearing those blue sweatpants.  
iluvgilly: give her my best  
Kingslayer: She’s taken, Sam. Remember that. And I could crush you.  
iluvgilly: u know i love gilly ,right?  
Kingslayer: Just reminding you.  
LadyRose: Do you go all caveman like that whenever anyone talks to her?  
Kingslayer: No.  
Kingslayer: Maybe.

一

FlayMaster: Our team is appalling.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: its all injuries 2 r players  
FlayMaster: Injuries? Let’s discuss these injuries.  
LegitmizeThisBitches: walda’s making the tofu 2night, gotta go

[LegitimizeThisBitches has left the conversation.]

一

Kingslayer: I want to ask her.  
URallAssholes: u think she’s ready?  
Kingslayer: No clue, but I just never want her to leave.  
URallAssholes: movin in is a big step  
Kingslayer: I don’t want to scare her away. She gets so weird sometimes.  
URallAssholes: so..take it slow, feel her out  
Kingslayer: Gods, she’s wearing those sweatpants to tease me. I’m going to go feel her right now.

[Kingslayer has logged out of chat.]

URallAssholes: sweatpants, fuckin A

一

 

**Tuesday**

Kingslayer: So...  
WarriorMaiden: So what?  
Kingslayer: You spent almost a week at my place.  
WarriorMaiden: I was sick...most of the time.  
Kingslayer: I missed you this morning.  
WarriorMaiden: My bad breath?  
Kingslayer: I liked having you here.  
WarriorMaiden: You wouldn’t let me leave.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: We could have had all titsl  
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)  
Rolling in the tits  
(Tits are gonna fall, rolling in the tit)  
I had your tits inside of your hand  
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)  
And you played tits, to the beat  
(Tits are gonna fall, rolling in the tits)  
Kingslayer: Right, I kept you prisoner on my couch.  
SharkReek: kinky?  
Kingslayer: Reek!  
SharkReek: Im goin

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: It’s just that I haven’t taken days off in forever. It was nice to sit around and relax.  
Kingslayer: We should totally go on a holiday after the season.  Spend more time staying together.  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t take more time off.  
Kingslayer: How much vacation do you have accrued?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
Kingslayer: Thought so. You probably haven’t taken a vacation in years. Let’s go after the Super Bowl.  
WarriorMaiden: That’s months away. It’s not a good idea to make plans like that.  
Kingslayer: Why not?  
WarriorMaiden: It just isn’t.  
Kingslayer: Stop being stupid, wench, and admit that you liked staying with me.  
WarriorMaiden: Just admit I am better at fantasy football than you.  
Kingslayer: Stop changing the subject and we both know I’m the best.  
WarriorMaiden: Which of us is undefeated?  
Kingslayer: I lost once when Stavos' team played out of their skins.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever, idiot.  
Kingslayer: We had a great time this weekend.  
WarriorMaiden: But it wasn’t real. I mean, it was like a mini vacation for me.  
Kingslayer: So, let’s plan a real vacation.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: Yes.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: Why not?  Every day can be a vacation.  
WarriorMaiden: No it can't Jaime.  I can't spend all my weekends like that.  
Kingslayer: You can't keep sending me these mixed signals.  
Kingslayer: You’re with me but not.  You stay the weekend but won't go on vacation with me. You won’t say you’re my girlfriend, but we have sex every night. It’s driving me crazy.    
WarriorMaiden: Fine, no more sex then?  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: You don't want mixed signals. Fine. No more sex. It’s probably for the best anyway.  
Kingslayer: Absolutely not.  
WarriorMaiden: Come on Jaime...  
Kingslayer: Forget what I said. I like mixed signals.

一

YoungWolf: NO. NO NO NO NO NONNO  
IKnowALittleSomething: ur 2 young  
KissedByFire: Just grab him and kiss him.  
Needler: will that work?  
YoungWolf: ygs u cannot tell my baby sister 2 kiss a boy!  
KissedByFire: I just did.  
Needler: not a BABY  
IKnowALittleSomething: 2 young 2 kiss  
Needler: how old were u when u got u 1st kiss?  
IKnowALittleSomething: 17  
KissedByFire: 12  
IKnowALittleSomething: …  
Needler: u robb?  
YoungWolf: …  
Needler: im 14 not 2 young 2 kiss a boy  
KissedByFire: Damn right.

一

KissedByFire: You should have given us more detail.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t even want to know what I said.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Tables?  
LadyRose: What is the table thing, really?  
KissedByFire: Should I try fucking Jon on a table?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
LadyRose: Give us something here.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: We promise not to humiliate you with it later.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh gods.  
WarriorMaiden: I think it’s because..  
WarriorMaiden: ...tables don’t have any give.  
KissedByFire: What?  
LadyRose: Doesn’t that hurt your back?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Oh, I get it...so when he thrusts, you both get the full effect rather than the him pushing you into the bed. So he gets deeper.  
WarriorMaiden: …  
KissedByFire: I am so making Jon fuck me on a table.

一

FingerfewerHand: No, Stannis. You cannot read it.  
CommissionerByRight: Davos. I have been looking forward to this new ‘Agatha Christie’ mystery for months. It’s a new Hercule Poirot story. You know how I feel about Poirot. It’s so rare that a literary hero cares so much about perfectly aligned flatware.  
FingerfewerHand: I understand, Stannis, but you cannot read it.  
CommissionerByRight: It’s supposed to have a complicated grammar clue which is the key to the entire mystery.  
FingerfewerHand: No, Stannis.  
CommissionerByRight: Am I being punished for something? Is this a new withholding game?  
CommissionerByRight: Sir.  
FingerfewerHand: I wish. Stannis. It came in the mail today and I read it.  
CommissionerByRight: Without me?  
FingerfewerHand: It’s terrible.  
CommissionerByRight: What? The Agatha Christie estate sold the rights to continue writing Poirot mysteries to Sophie Hannah. I’m sure they wouldn’t have done that if she weren’t a good writer.  
FingerfewerHand: I swear to you Stannis, if you read this book, we will need to go see Roose Bolton for more than a grind guard for your teeth.  
CommissionerByRight: How can it be that bad?  
FingerfewerHand: Trust me. It’s a bastardization of Agatha Christie. Poirot, while he has his tics, is near unrecognizable. I’ve read better fanfiction.  
CommissionerByRight: Like when PBS added Jane Marple to The Secret of Chimneys?  
FingerfewerHand: Worse.

一

WarriorMaiden: I am not being ridiculous.  
LadyRose: You’re just looking for excuses.  
WarriorMaiden: He said he doesn't want mixed signals.  
LadyRose: So just be with him.  
WarriorMaiden: He doesn’t respect me. It’ll never work out, Margaery...it just won’t. You know it won’t.  
LadyRose: It’s okay to care about him, Brienne. He is totally into you, would do anything you ask, took care of you when you had your surgery and has fabulous cock.  
WarriorMaiden: He’s not totally into me. He can’t be.  
LadyRose: So his cock is fabulous?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up. He would not do anything that I ask.  
LadyRose: Uh huh.

[LadyRose has invited Kingslayer to join the conversation.]  
[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: Hey Jaime. If Brienne asked you to take her away for a week to the Summer Isles, would you?  
Kingslayer: Peck made reservations after we talked this morning. The week after the Super Bowl. I emailed Renly about her taking two weeks off.  
LadyRose: See?  
WarriorMaiden: You DID NOT. You can’t just do that.  
Kingslayer: I can and I did.  Reservations are made. Time off is scheduled.  
LadyRose: Nice room?  
Kingslayer: Suite. Sunset view.  
LadyRose: You'll have a great time.  
WarriorMaiden: I'm not going!  
Kingslayer: Does she even have a good bikini? Blue?  
LadyRose: Her wardrobe is appalling. I'll take her shopping.  
Kingslayer: Peck's girlfriend is doing some personal shopping thing. I don't know what that is. Would that help?  
LadyRose: I'll get Brie's measurements to her and review her suggestions.  
WarriorMaiden: I am NOT letting someone else shop for me.  
LadyRose: Couple sundresses? Bikini? A nice dress or two for dinner?  
Kingslayer: Workout clothes so we can run on the beach.  
LadyRose: I'm making a list and emailing Peck. Brie is so stubborn about shopping.  
WarriorMaiden: I am right here, you know.  
Kingslayer: Brienne, I'll pick you up tonight for dinner at 630?  
WarriorMaiden: I…  
LadyRose: 630 sounds great. She’ll be ready.  
WarriorMaiden: ...Okay.

一

WardenWolf: cats sister doest like anyone, but her brother is okay, little weird, but okay  
WardenWolf: obsessed w fish, always wears black  
iluvgilly: im worried gillys sisters wont like me  
WardenWolf: im sur theyll like u fine sam  
iluvgilly: y doesn’t cats sister like u?  
WardenWolf: we bottle fed the kids

一

 

**Wednesday**

URallAssholes: so…  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
URallAssholes: tall blond warrior babies  
WarriorMaiden: Last night at dinner, he tried to tell me who to pick up off the waiver wire! I wanted to strangle him.  
URallAssholes: by shoving ur tongue down his throat?  
WarriorMaiden: He just makes me angry sometimes.  
URallAssholes: angry is easier than honest?  
WarriorMaiden: You are annoying, you know that?  
URallAssholes: but im ur fav bro in law 2b  
WarriorMaiden: How are you and Marg?  
URallAssholes: u tell me?  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe if you stop nagging me about Jaime.  
URallAssholes: let me weigh this…  
URallAssholes: i can tease u 4eva about u and jaime or get a small scrap of info about marg i could probably get out of yggy or ell  
WarriorMaiden: She shares more with me.  
URallAssholes: but would u share it with me?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
URallAssholes: maybe like a basketball team of blue eyed blonds

一

Needler: so its ok 4 me 2 make the 1st move?  
SexViper: How long have you been dating?  
Needler: like forever, i mean it’s been weeks!  
SexViper: He holds your hand?  
Needler: and carries my hockey skates  
SexViper: Then yes, you can make the first move. Do you want to?  
Needler: i mean, i want him 2 kiss me but I made the 1st move last time  
Needler: its his turn  
SexViper: You want the relationship to be of equals, yes?  
Needler: RIGHT!  
SexViper: Then wait. He will kiss you.  
Needler: but if he doesn’t it?  
SexViper: Then he is not worthy of you. You want a partner who is strong, who is brave because you are strong and brave.  
Needler: thx! ur the best  
SexViper: Yes, yes I am.

一

SharkReek: fukin hells, all the gay guys get laid and i gt nuthin  
LegitimizeThisBitches: u going gay?  
SharkReek: uh...i mean, id get laid, right?

[Bronn4Sale has joined the conversation.]

LegitimizeThisBitches: dunno, r guys hot 4 u?  
SharkReek: i looked good n a dress, btr than jon snow  
LegitimizeThisBitches: obie didn’t flirt w u though, he winked @me, and ren probs thinks im hot  
SharkReek: yeh but he’s fuckin loras, not u  
Bronn4Sale: fuck the stranger, u dudes r freaks

一

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want you all to go re-read the Friday section of the previous chapter and tell me what you see after Brienne logs off.
> 
> You all missed it!
> 
> I still love the commentariat though.


	8. Week Seven, Part 2. Are you sure?

**Thursday**

BAMFLannister: You know this young woman?  
iluvgilly: yeah, sure, shes friends w cat and ned  
BAMFLannister: She associates herself with the Starks?  
iluvgilly: we all like her, shes great  
BAMFLannister: And she is dating my son?  
iluvgilly: tyrion r jaime?  
BAMFLannister: I beg your pardon?  
iluvgilly: she might just b using jaime  
BAMFLannister: No young woman uses a Lannister.  
iluvgilly: jaime is ok w it  
BAMFLannister: ...

一

URallAssholes: bro, fukin doesn’t mean ur a couple, this isn’t medieval times  
Kingslayer: So you’d be fine if Marg fucked someone else?  
URallAssholes: …

[ChampionRower has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: hey gendry  
ChampionRower: uh hey jaime and ...urall?...i need advice  
Kingslayer: This is my bro, Tyrion.  
ChampionRower: uh...do i know u?  
Kingslayer: He knows everyone’s ID. He’s savant.  
URallAssholes: i got skillz  
ChampionRower: uh...k  
ChampionRower: jaime, brienne is like, strong and tough right?  
Kingslayer: Yes...why? Are you interested in Brienne? I have a gold punching glove.  
URallAssholes: jaime, he’s 14  
ChampionRower: 15! im just wondering, how did u kiss her the 1st time and did she punch u?  
Kingslayer: You want me to tell you about the first time I kissed her?  
URallAssholes: ahahahahhbwbbabaahaahhahalajdflajbnakajdf,nzdklfaklldfhjahahhahahahahah  
Kingslayer: SHUT UP Tyrion  
ChampionRower: yeah, did she punch u?  
URallAssholes: yeah, jaime, did she punch u the first time ur lips touched her?  
Kingslayer: Look, Gendry. The kissing stuff is different when you’re older.  
ChampionRower: i want 2 kiss arya, but i dont want her 2 hit me  
URallAssholes: arya is pretty scrappy  
ChampionRower: shes tough, like brienne, so how did u kiss her?  
Kingslayer: One night I went over to her house with some pizza and wine and she knew I liked her at that point. When she answered the door, I leaned in and pecked her on the cheek and then after I put the pizza down…  
URallAssholes: go on...we all want 2 know  
ChampionRower: a kiss on the cheek 1st?  
Kingslayer: Then I put my arms around her, pulled her close and kissed her.  
ChampionRower: like a kiss on the cheek as a starter kiss?  
Kingslayer: Exactly. So you don’t jump right into it. It took her a couple of minutes to relax.  
URallAssholes: no jaime, u never jump right in  
Kingslayer: Shut up.

[URallAssholes has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: hey tall chick, j was tellin gendry bout the 1st time he kissed u  
WarriorMaiden: YOU ARE NOT.  
ChampionRower: is it a secret?  
WarriorMaiden: OH GODS. JAIME. GENDRY IS A CHILD.  
Kingslayer: I told him about the time I brought pizza to your place and kissed your cheek first.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh.  
ChampionRower: k, so, brie, u didn’t punch him?  
URallAssholes: yeah, tall chick, u didn’t punch him when he 1st kissed u?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up, Tyrion.  
WarriorMaiden: No, I didn’t punch him.  
URallAssholes: she liked it  
Kingslayer: A lot. Didn’t you, wench?  
ChampionRower: woudl arya like it  
URallAssholes: Bwahahah.  
WarriorMaiden: Gendry, if you want to kiss Arya, just be slow about it. Don’t rush her and give her a chance to back away.  
Kingslayer: Or just kiss her.  
ChampionRower: if she punches me, blaming u dude

一

 

**Friday**

SexontheSand: Oh, I see the problem.  
UKnowUWantMe: tingle cream or warming cream is good, but not in my mouth  
UKnowUWantMe: or rens

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

SexontheSand: To make fellatio more exciting, Altoids.  
UKnowUWantMe: breath mints?  
SexontheSand: The cinnamon Altoids drive Oberyn nuts.  
UKnowUWantMe: so i should try it?  
SexontheSand: He’ll love it.  
iluvgilly: im gunna go

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

一

WarriorMaiden: I’m really not the best person to ask.  
iluvgilly: but ur so easy 2 talk 2, gilly has a lot of sisters, tehy want 2 meet me  
WarriorMaiden: I haven’t met Jaime’s family other than Tyrion.  
iluvgilly: u havent met his dad?  
WarriorMaiden: No. Jaime and Tyrion seem to think he’s awful though.  
iluvgilly: hes not tht bad  
WarriorMaiden: That’s what I said.  
iluvgilly: every1 likes u brie, hed like u  
WarriorMaiden: I appreciate you saying that, but Jaime hasn’t even suggested it.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: You don't have to wear bras to be my girl  
You don't have to go nude to rule my world  
Ain't no particular cup size I'm more compatible with  
I just want your extra time and your tits  
iluvgilly: i though lor as experimenting w oberyn  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
SharkReek: no1 wants 2 experiment w me!

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

iluvgilly: lor was talking about giving oral 2 oberyn  
WarriorMaiden: Are you sure?  
iluvgilly: w breath mints  
WarriorMaiden: Breath mints?  
iluvgilly: i try not 2 ask questions

一

MrsYoungWolf: I feel like my boobs hurt but it could just be this bra.  
MrsYoungWolf: And then my temperature is a little up and mucus is a little cloudier than it was last night...  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: In the words of Arya *BARF*  
SexontheSand: When is the last time you made love with your husband?  
MrsYoungWolf: Two nights ago at 10:22 p.m.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: And you were done two nights ago at 10:24 p.m.  
MrsYoungWolf: It's about quantity at the moment, not quality.  
SexontheSand: That's no way to look at it. How can a child be conceived in the womb of a woman whose partner merely ... what is the term you Northerners use...  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Mails it in?  
MrsYoungWolf: I don't think it matters whether he gives a crap about the kind of job he does at this point.

[MrsYoungWolf has left the conversation.]

IronIslandsBattleBabe: She's in a bitchy mood.  
SexontheSand: Maybe her uterus would open more readily for the seed if we gifted her a sex toy. Or Oberyn and I could pay a visit. I like the looks of the young couple myself.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: What if she got knocked up and you didn't know whose kid it was?  
SexontheSand: What does it matter when love is ascendant?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Paternity tests are ascendant.

一

URallAssholes: so, tall chick  
WarriorMaiden: This again.  
URallAssholes: its fun 4 me!  
WarriorMaiden: *sigh* We are not fighting but not exactly dating but not exactly not.  
URallAssholes: uh huh  
WarriorMaiden: I’m trying but it’s hard.  
URallAssholes: his cock is hard?  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP.  
URallAssholes: heh  
WarriorMaiden: I just mean, he’s Jaime. You know?  
URallAssholes: im familiar w him, known him a while now  
WarriorMaiden: And he’s great at some things.  
URallAssholes: dare i ask?  
WarriorMaiden: Just shut up. I’m trying to explain.  
URallAssholes: i know whut hes best at

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: But tits and short skirts, tits in T-shirts  
She's Tit Captain and I'm on the bleachers  
Dreaming about the tits  
When I wake up and find  
That tits I’ve looking for has been here the whole time  
If you could see that I'm the one who understands tits  
Been here all along, so why can't you see?  
Tits belong with me, tits belong with me  
URallAssholes: lannister skill set  
SharkReek: whuts that?  
URallAssholes: none of ur business, get lost, dickcream  
SharkReek: FINE

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

URallAssholes: back 2 the lannister skill set  
WarriorMaiden: Does your father have the skill set? Should I ask Olenna?  
URallAssholes: suddenly i hate u  
URallAssholes: ur well on way 2 becoming a lannister  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.

一

BeardedStag: You just have a cold.  
UKnowUWantMe: i’m dying!  
BeardedStag: I told you not to stand in line all night to get the new iPhone.  
UKnowUWantMe: my nose is all red i look terrible

[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Hey.  
BeardedStag: You look amazing.  
WarriorMaiden: Me?  
BeardedStag: No. Lor.  
BeardedStag: You know you’re fine and all Brienne. But Loras is the only one for me.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you sure?  
UKnowUWantMe: is this about jaimes hair again??? and his cock???  
BeardedStag: Brienne was on drugs. I didn’t ask her about Jaime’s cock.  
MaidenWarrior: …  
UKnowUWantMe: she said jaime was hotter than me  
WarriorMaiden: I did?  
BeardedStag: She was wrong, lover.  
UKnowUWantMe: she was all jaime jaim jaime  
UKnowUWantMe: *sniff* i look awful  
BeardedStag: You are always beautiful to me.  
UKnowUWantMe: luv u  
WarriorMaiden: So you guys are okay?  
BeardedStag: Perfect.  
UKnowUWantMe: i nvr want 2 hear about jaime’s cock again  
BeardedStag: Go to sleep. I’ll be home soon.  
UKnowUWantMe: no more jaime, im not pffy and i luv u  
BeardedStag: Me too.

[UKnowUWantMe has left the conversation.]

BeardedStag: So Brienne? Take anymore of those pain pills lately?

一

BAMFLannister: Why in the world would you ask me these things?  
YoungWolf: u ahve kids?  
BAMFLannister: That does not mean that I did anything special in order to impregnate my wife.  
YoungWolf: no like, boxers or eating lemons or holding her legs in the air  
BAMFLannister: My gods. Starks are idiots. It’s a shame your father was so fertile.  
YoungWolf: HEY!

一

Kingslayer: Stay over this weekend.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: You know you will anyway.  
WarriorMaiden: I should do things at my place. I haven’t gone to the grocery in ages.  
Kingslayer: We can go grocery shopping together then.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ve seen the contents of your refrigerator. Have you ever been to the grocery store?  
Kingslayer: See, I need to shop too. How about this, we go to the grocery, buy a bunch of food then eat it all while snuggie-ing on the couch watching movies and doing hand stuff?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not up for hand stuff...or any stuff...  
Kingslayer: ?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
Kingslayer: We’ll just shop and snuggie and go running?  
WarriorMaiden: It's just better for me to stay at my place.  
Kingslayer: No.  I’ll keep my hands to myself. Just come over and stay.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you sure about this, Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Why wouldn’t I be?

 

**Week 7 WrapUp**

Maiden’s Warriors remain undefeated, this week taking out The Faceless Team. Hear Me Kick Ass remain in second place, creaming Flayers’ Players who unsurprisingly slid even further down the rankings this week. League loser, DragonKings, lost by just under a point _again_ , this time to Team Stannis/Davos. In the Boring Battle of the North, Winter Wolves beat out Night’s Winnerman. Thorny Stags are surging now, this time taking out the hapless GridIronBorn. Perennial cellar dweller, 2Old2Care is sinking to the bottom, as expected, this week losing to IWillBeYourChampion.

### Week 7 Standings  
  
---  
Rank | Team | Record  
1 | Maiden's Warriors | 7-0-0  
2 | Hear Me Kick Ass | 6-1-0  
3 | Team Stannis/Davos | 5-2-0  
4 | The Faceless Team | 4-3-0  
5 | IWillBeYourChampion | 4-3-0  
6 | Thorny Stags | 3-4-0  
7 | Winter Wolves | 3-4-0  
8 | 2Old2Care | 3-4-0  
9 | Night’s Winnerman | 3-4-0  
10 | Flayers’ Players | 3-4-0  
11 | GridIronBorn | 1-6-0  
12 | DragonKings | 0-7-0  
  
**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crap. I hit post and then took a phone call. I forgot to title the chapter, I changed a number and misspelled a team name. FUCK. 
> 
> Apologies, commentariat.


	9. Week Eight, Part One.  We Should Talk.

 

**Monday**

Needler: hey brie  
WarriorMaiden: Hey Arya. What’s up?  
Needler: u gonna win the league?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m doing very well so far, but anything can happen.  
Needler: i want u 2 win  
WarriorMaiden: Me too.  
Needler: soo…….!11!!  
WarriorMaiden: Is something up?  
Needler: gendry kissed me!11!@!111!!@!  
WarriorMaiden: Did you punch him?  
Needler: no..y would I do that?  
WarriorMaiden: Just checking. So...how was it?  
Needler: kinda messy? and weird, but nice?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: i hate it when u talk 2 arya  
WarriorMaiden: Get out.

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Then it was a good first kiss?  
Needler: YES!  
WarriorMaiden: I’m glad for you.  
Needler: so uh...how often do u and jaime kiss?  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Needler: i mean, is it every day? like, lots of kissing or every once in awhile  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime and I are older. So it’s different.  
Needler: i know ur having sex w him  
WarriorMaiden: ARYA!  
Needler: im young not dumb :)  
WarriorMaiden: As I said, Jaime and I are older. So it’s different.  
Needler: im not gonna have sex w gendry, im 2 young  
WarriorMaiden: That’s a relief. You should wait until you are ready and then only with someone you care about and trust.  
Needler: so u care abt jaime and trust him?  
WarriorMaiden: ...

一

URallAssholes: date her like a regular girl then and stop pushing?  
Kingslayer: I do not push  
URallAssholes: ?  
Kingslayer: Much.  
URallAssholes: ?  
Kingslayer: Fine. I was good this weekend.  
URallAssholes: What did you do?  
Kingslayer: Just hung out, watched movies, ran a few miles, worked out, lifted, went rock climbing, ate pork tacos, watched Crouching Tiger, ran some more. Sparred a little.  
URallAssholes: sounds like a fuckin nightmare  
Kingslayer: It was amazing. I offered to rub her back.  
URallAssholes: how did that go?  
Kingslayer: She rolled her eyes, but at least she didn’t get mad at me this time.  
URallAssholes: this time u didn’t tell her she was on her period and sensitive  
Kingslayer: I still don’t see what I did wrong there. I was being nice.  
URallAssholes: ur jsut supposed to ignore it  
Kingslayer: What?  
URallAssholes: u notice the box of whatevs that stuff is in the bathroom, keep ur hands to urself and ignore it  
Kingslayer: That’s stupid. I don’t see why I can’t just tell her I understand.  
URallAssholes: because, dude

[URallAssholes has invited IKnowALittleSomething to the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has invited YoungWolf to the conversation.]  
[URallAssholes has invited iluvgilly to the conversation.]  
[YoungWolf has joined the conversation.]  
[iluvgilly has joined the the conversation.]  
[IKnowALittleSomething has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: guy poll  
IKnowALittleSomething: heh pole  
URallAssholes: do u tell ur gf tht she's being all sensitive and comment on it when she's on her period?  
IKnowALittleSomething: FUK NO, ygs would rip my balls off  
YoungWolf: jeyne cries when she gets hers now, means she's not preggers  
Kingslayer: But if you acknowledge what's going on, buy her ice cream, watch sappy movies, rub her feet?  
YoungWolf: feet r hot, jeyne gets pedicures, her toes are pink  
IKnowALittleSomething: i can do all that but never tell her u think she's being all emotional, like ever dude, ever  
URallAssholes: see, even snow knows this, never ever discuss a girls period ever  
iluvgilly: is this about marg buying a pregnancy test?  
URallAssholes: ...

一

KissedByFire: All Calvin Klein colognes give me a raging fucking headache.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: It’s not as bad as Axe cologne. Or Ass as I like to call it.  
KissedByFire: Who wears that?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: There are so many reasons we call him Reek.  
KissedByFire: You know who always smells amazing?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Don’t tell me Jon.  
KissedByFire: Sam.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Really?  
KissedByFire: He might not be as pretty as Jon, but the man smells good.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I’ll investigate next time he’s in town. Any update from Gilly? FPM?  
KissedByFire: Those two are remarkably closed-mouthed about things.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Like Brienne.  
KissedByFire: We should get her stoned again.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: In person this time though.

一

Kingslayer: We need to talk.  
WarriorMaiden: No we don't.  
Kingslayer: About a pregnancy test?  
WarriorMaiden: Oh, no, I mean. No. It's not a big deal. I mean. It's fine. Nothing to worry about.  
Kingslayer: Are you sure?  
WarriorMaiden: Positive.  
WarriorMaiden: Wait. I mean negative.  
Kingslayer: Okay. I mean, that isn't something people should keep a secret.  
WarriorMaiden: I know, I’m sorry. It's just...wait, how did you find out?  
Kingslayer: Sam.  
WarriorMaiden: How did he find out?  
Kingslayer: He heard Marg talking about it. She should have told Tyrion.  
WarriorMaiden: Wait. What?  
Kingslayer: If Marg thought she was, she should have talked to Tyrion about it. He's my little brother and he can be an ass to women, but I think he really likes her.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh. Marg...  
Kingslayer: Unless she's seeing someone else?  
WarriorMaiden: No. I mean. She's not.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Oh, won't you stay with tits?  
'Cause tits're all I need  
This ain't love, it's clear to tits  
But darling, stay with tits  
Kingslayer: Okay. He's a little upset.  
SharkReek: Who’s upset?  
Kingslayer: Your father. He’s talking about kicking you out of the League.  
SharkReek: fuk

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: Back to Tyrion. She should have told him.  
WarriorMaiden: Even if it didn’t matter?  
Kingslayer: Of course. I’d want to know.  
WarriorMaiden: You would?  
Kingslayer: Tyrion would have wanted to know as well.  
WarriorMaiden: I'll talk to him.  
Kingslayer: ...Dinner tonight?  
WarriorMaiden: I don't know...  
Kingslayer: Come on. I'll let you beat me at something.  
WarriorMaiden: LET ME? I can kick your ass at anything.  
Kingslayer: That's my girl. Pick you up after work.

一

 

**Tuesday**

WarriorMaiden: Tyrion...  
URallAssholes: tall chick?  
WarriorMaiden: Have you talked to Marg?  
URallAssholes: is there something she needs 2 tell me?  
WarriorMaiden: No. There's nothing she needs to tell you.  
URallAssholes: sure?  
WarriorMaiden: Tyrion, Marg isn't pregnant.  
URallAssholes: wud she tell me if she were?  
WarriorMaiden: Look. The test wasn't for her.  
URallAssholes: ?  
WarriorMaiden: ...  
URallAssholes: EXCELLENT! giant blond babies!  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
URallAssholes: oh  
WarriorMaiden: I was just being paranoid.  
URallAssholes: u okay?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah. It was just...I don't know. Everything with Jaime is so confusing. And it’s all so much too soon. I had a freak out with no reason.  
URallAssholes: hes pretty straightforward...  
WarriorMaiden: I didn’t tell him  
URallAssholes: u going 2?  
WarriorMaiden: Are you?  
URallAssholes: not stepping n2 tht quick sand  
WarriorMaiden: Thank you.  
URallAssholes: u should though  
WarriorMaiden: ...not yet. There was nothing to say really. I had a freakout and he doesn’t need to know that. I mean, things are hard enough as it is without him knowing I’m kind of crazy.  
URallAssholes: y were u mad at him ne way?  
WarriorMaiden: For thinking I can't run my own fantasy football team.  
URallAssholes: that’s it?  
WarriorMaiden: He said he didn't want me to embarrass myself! And he would set my lineup for me!  
URallAssholes: again, thats it?  
WarriorMaiden: Mostly?  
URallAssholes: look, tall chick, jaime has the emotional intelligence of a fruit fly, but it’s fantasy football, is it really worth a relationship?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
URallAssholes: zactly!  
WarriorMaiden: But it’s not about fantasy football. It’s about him thinking I’m weak.  
URallAssholes: nah, he just has an ego the size of westeros  
WarriorMaiden: I’m just as good at fantasy football as he is.  
URallAssholes: who cares?  
WarriorMaiden: You don’t?  
URallAssholes: look, it’s a game, nothing more, no matter what my father thinks, it doesn’t matter  
WarriorMaiden: But, it’s…  
URallAssholes: a stupid game?  
WarriorMaiden: Wait. Didn’t you go ballistic about some trivia question not having the right answer?  
URallAssholes: totes diff  
WarriorMaiden: You threatened to sue the company.  
URallAssholes: they were wrong  
WarriorMaiden: So, sometimes it’s not just a game.  
URallAssholes: wevs, point is, don’t break my bros heart bc he’s a jackass  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not breaking his heart.  
URallAssholes: so...marry him, have giant blonde babies who will pee on my father  
WarriorMaiden: Are we back to this?  
URallAssholes: YES  
WarriorMaiden: You can’t tell him.  
URallAssholes: so be with him  
WarriorMaiden: How do I get myself into these things?  
URallAssholes: do really want out?  
WarriorMaiden: ...No.

一

SharkReek: sweaters rnt bad  
LegitimizeThisBitches: sundresses r better  
YoungWolf: jeyne wears sweaters all year roudn  
SharkReek: u live in the north dude  
LegitimizeThisBitches: u never get sundress weather, when chicks are like, half nekkid  
Unknown: A woman can be beautiful in anything.  
Kingslayer: Brienne looks good in everything.  
SharkReek: u serious dude?  
Kingslayer: Are you insulting my girlfriend?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: u can have her dude  
Kingslayer: You are never getting near her, dickcream.  
YoungWolf: i wish jeyne wore sundresses

一

WarriorMaiden: You have to talk to Tyrion.  
LadyRose: About?  
WarriorMaiden: He found out about the pregnancy test.  
LadyRose: FUCK  
WarriorMaiden: I told him it was me.  
LadyRose: You owned up to it? FINALLY.  
WarriorMaiden: Not to Jaime.  
LadyRose: *rolls eyes*  
WarriorMaiden: You should still talk to him. He cares.  
LadyRose: We are casual.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you?  
LadyRose: So...you telling Jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: ...It’s easier when I’m just mad at him.  
LadyRose: Pretend mad you mean.  
WarriorMaiden: Kind of?

一

YoungWolf: so whut did u do  
FertileNonagenarian: fuked em  
YoungWolf: i mean 2 make sure ur wives got pregnant  
FertileNonagenarian: fuked ‘em a lot?  
YoungWolf: i heard using lube helps  
FertileNonagenarian: never needed to lube a gril up  
YoungWolf: never?  
FertileNonagenarian: ...mebbe i dont remember

一

URallAssholes: so…  
LadyRose: So?  
URallAssholes: should we talk?  
LadyRose: Probably?  
URallAssholes: over internet chat?  
LadyRose: How about dinner?  
URallAssholes: sounds good, how about pasta?  
LadyRose: Olive Garden?  
URallAssholes: uh...i mean, we can eat there if u want, not my fav  
LadyRose: Just checking. Olive Garden is where relationships go to die.  
URallAssholes: how about that lyseni place that only has 8 tables?  
LadyRose: Small, romantic, obscure. No one ever got dumped at that place.  
URallAssholes: perfect then  
LadyRose: Perfect.

一


	10. Week Eight, Part Two.  Brienne v. Theon.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it's the big matchup, Brienne v. Theon. Who will win?

**Wednesday**

Kingslayer: Hey Ned.  
WardenWolf: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: So...you’ve been married a long time.  
WardenWolf: ur tellin me  
Kingslayer: And Cat still likes you?  
WardenWolf: yeah, y? u hear something?  
Kingslayer: No...just wondering, when she gets all emotional, what do you do?  
WardenWolf: like uh...monthly?  
Kingslayer: Exactly.  
WardenWolf: agree w her  
Kingslayer: What?  
WardenWolf: i agree w everything she says  
Kingslayer: That works?  
WardenWolf: kinda?  
Kingslayer: I don’t think I can do that.  
WardenWolf: 25 yrs of marriage, 5 kids, u learn

一

PinkISPretty: i like it when they all wear pink  
FlayMaster: It is not a permanent addition to their uniforms. It is a ridiculous promotion.  
PinkISPretty: promoting pink?  
FingerfewerHand: It’s promoting breast cancer awareness.  
PinkISPretty: oh, why aren’t they all wearing pink then?  
FingerfewerHand: The company which pays for the equipment pulled their sponsorship.  
FlayMaster: A poor marketing decision.  
PinkISPretty: y?  
FingerfewerHand: Well, let’s just say that the NFL isn’t necessarily responsive when it comes to issues of domestic violence.  
PinkISPretty: hrmph! that’s dumb, most of those boys are always talking about how they owe everything to their mothers, ur telling me they hit their girlfriends?  
FingerfewerHand: I didn’t say it made sense.  
PinkISPretty: they should all wear pink at every game, im going 2 write them a letter  
FlayMaster: Gods help us.  
FingerfewerHand: It’s better than doing nothing.

一

WarriorMaiden: Regular dates?  
Kingslayer: Yes. I’m supposed to take you out to dinner and shows and movies and we are going to walk around the Farmer’s Market on Saturday and we are going to hold hands.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: I watched some movies. That’s what couples do.  
WarriorMaiden: Farmer’s Markets?  
Kingslayer: YES and you have to come with me because you have to do girlfriendy things.  
WarriorMaiden: I thought that was being covered by… you know, the other stuff.  
Kingslayer: NO NO. You are not doing that as a BET. You are with me because you want to be with me and you like being with me. Right?  
WarriorMaiden: ...yes?  
Kingslayer: Good. Then dates. We are going on dates. And you can’t get out of it.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE. But I’m not going to enjoy it  
Kingslayer: Oh yes you will!  
WarriorMaiden: You can’t make me.  
Kingslayer: Yes, yes I can. Tonight, we are going to antique weapon store before dinner and I am going to buy you something and we are going to hold hands and you are going to act completely girlfriendy.  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll just be faking it.  
Kingslayer: Oh wench, you never fake it with me.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up, idiot.

一

 

**Thursday**

WarriorMaiden: Okay.  
Kingslayer: Okay what?  
WarriorMaiden: Okay, last night was nice. We can do that more often.  
Kingslayer: Don’t sound excited about it.  
WarriorMaiden: You know what I am excited about?  
Kingslayer: That thing we did on the kitchen counter?  
WarriorMaiden: Well, that too. But I AM excited about kicking your ass at fantasy football.  
Kingslayer: What the fuck ever.  
WarriorMaiden: I am so going to beat you.  
Kingslayer: In your dreams.  
WarriorMaiden: Want to bet?  
Kingslayer: We face off in Week 10, right?  
WarriorMaiden: I’ll beat you.  
Kingslayer: Whatever. How about this, we just be a regular couple until then.  
WarriorMaiden: And then?  
Kingslayer: If I win, you stop trying to break up with me and stop pretending we aren't a real couple.  
WarriorMaiden: For how long?  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: For how long?  
Kingslayer: ...We’ll figure that part out later.  
WarriorMaiden: And if I win?  
Kingslayer: You tell me.  
WarriorMaiden: If I win, you have to let me set your lineup for the rest of the regular season.  
Kingslayer: …  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t you think I’m good enough?  
Kingslayer: …  
WarriorMaiden: Afraid of losing?  
Kinglsayer: Oh wait, I’m not going to lose. It’s a bet.  
WarriorMaiden: Keep dreaming.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: The tits'll come out tomorrow  
So you got to hang on till' to your titties, come with may!  
Bit titties, big titties, I love you big titties  
You're always a bra away  
Kingslayer: Wench, I’m the best.  
SharkReek: at whut?  
WarriorMaiden: He’s better than you at everything, Theon, everything.  
Kingslayer: I am?  
SharkReek: im good at somethigns!  
WarriorMaiden: I’ve yet to see it. Now get out.  
SharkReek: FINE

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Girlfriendy enough for you?  
Kingslayer: Yes. Do it again.  
WarriorMaiden: Back to our matchup. You’ve never faced me.  
Kingslayer: Ask anyone. I'm the best.  
WarriorMaiden: Some people just love to overpraise a famous name.  
Kingslayer: Are you fighting with me?  
WarriorMaiden: You’re fighting with me.  
Kingslayer: Workout tonight before the game?  
WarriorMaiden: At the gym?  
Kingslayer: Or my bedroom.  
WarriorMaiden: Gym first.

一

 

**Friday**

BAMFLannister: Are you dating this Tarth woman?  
URallAssholes: uh...no  
BAMFLannister: There seems to be some confusion as to whether this woman has attached herself to you or to Jaime.  
URallAssholes: just jaime  
BAMFLannister: Did she pursue you as well?  
URallAssholes: who told u something that stupid?  
BAMFLannister: I have my sources.  
URallAssholes: if ur source is a tarly, he’s completely unreliable  
BAMFLannister: So, this Tarth woman neither 'likable' nor 'great'?  
URallAssholes: fuck me  
BAMFLannister: …

一

Kingslayer: Wait, so you're willing to go on a date with me to a football game, but it has to be up at The Twins, where it has been snowing for the last three weeks, and you want us to have seats with...regular people?  
WarriorMaiden: You wanted to go on real dates.  
Kingslayer: A real date can involve a private box. A heated box. Far away from... people.  
WarriorMaiden: You said you'd do anything.  
Kingslayer: By anything, I thought you meant buy you a car or a company or something.  
WarriorMaiden: I want a real football experience. Where we walk five blocks to the stadium, wear big puffy coats and hats, huddle under blankets, get colds and watch a football game.  
WarriorMaiden: Asking you to do this is totally girlfriendy. (I can’t believe I’m using that non-word.)  
Kingslayer: Near people? (Totally a word.)  
WarriorMaiden: Smashed together with other people. (Not.)  
Kingslayer: I'm having car service pick us up afterwards.  
WarriorMaiden: I can give in on that. We’ll be tired afterwards.  
Kingslayer: I just don't see why we can't get a box.  
WarriorMaiden: Because that's a spoiled rich kid way to watch football.  
Kingslayer: And?  
WarriorMaiden: And if you do this with a minimum of whining, we can maybe go South and hit a beach.  
Kingslayer: And you'll wear a bikini.  
WarriorMaiden: A one piece.  
Kingslayer: That I choose.  
WarriorMaiden: But I have final approval.  
Kingslayer: Fine.  
WarriorMaiden: I could have asked you to take off your shirt in the freezing cold like Packer fans.  
Kingslayer: You'll do anything to get me naked.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: Week 10, the Sunday night game. Outside. In the cold.  
WarriorMaiden: That’s our matchup week, you know.  
Kingslayer: Isn’t your bet with Theon this week?  
WarriorMaiden: I’d better beat him.  
Kingslayer: Want me to go over your lineup and fix it?  
WarriorMaiden: SHUT UP.

一

KissedByFire: So, you and the little man?  
LadyRose: We aren’t defining it, exactly, but we aren’t seeing other people.  
KissedByFire: That sounds like a definition.  
LadyRose: It sounds like we’re taking it slow.  
KissedByFire: He never flirts with me anymore. No 'fiery redheaded strumpets', no 'gingersluts.' It’s so depressing.  
LadyRose: Am I supposed to feel sorry for you about that?  
KissedByFire: ...guess not.

一

SharkReek: shes gonna beat me, im not gonna be able to say tits  
SharkReek: titstitstitstitstitstitstitstitstitstitstitstitstitstitstitstits  
IronsIslandsBattleBabe: It won’t hurt you to clean up your language a bit.  
SharkKing: u drafted a terrible team, u shame the name of Greyjoy  
SharkReek: dad, i tried!  
SharkKing: walder may finish better tha us this year  
SharkKing: WALDER  
IronsIslandsBattleBabe: He’s no longer doing as well though, is he?

一

 

**Sunday during the games at a sports bar**

WarriorMaiden: Did you see what happened?  
Kingslayer: The way that one freckle on the back of your neck winks at me whenever you tilt your head and your hair moves?  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: I like that freckle. When I kiss it you make a noise in the back of your throat.  
WarriorMaiden: No Jaime. We can’t talk about that here. I’m talking about Theon.  
Kingslayer: Theon looked at your neck? I'll gouge out his eyes.  
WarriorMaiden: He started Ben Roethlisberger.  
Kingslayer: ...Oh. Roethlisberger set a franchise record with 6 TD passes.  
WarriorMaiden: And put up 62 fantasy points.  
Kingslayer: So, you’ll lose to him. It’ll be fine. Nothing you could have done.  
WarriorMaiden: But I’m going to lose the bet.  
Kingslayer: What do you have to do for losing again?  
WarriorMaiden: Wear a dress, take a picture of me in it and put the picture on The Iron Throne.  
Kingslayer: You look good in a dress. You have all those legs.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up. I do not want Theon Greyjoy looking at me in a dress.  
Kingslayer: He can look at a picture but never ever touch. I'd break every bone in his hand for that.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m going to lose though Jaime. To THEON.  
Kingslayer: It happens. He won’t make the playoffs. I’ll win the trophy so your legs will be safe.  
WarriorMaiden: I will win and keep my own legs safe!  
Kingslayer: Theon looks like he’s working up the courage to taunt you.  
WarriorMaiden: Ugh. I just can’t take it today. Tomorrow I’ll suffer, but not tonight.  
Kingslayer: If you come over here, he’ll be too cowardly to smack talk.  
WarriorMaiden: That is so unfair. I can beat him up myself.  
Kingslayer: Brienne. Lannisters are intimidating. Haven’t you noticed?  
WarriorMaiden: So you keep saying.  
Kingslayer: Come here and we can talk about it.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine.

一

LegitimizeThisBitches: DUDE DUDE, UR GONNA BEAT BRIE  
SharkReek: HOLY FUCK FUCKING SHIT SHITBALLS FUCK HOLY SHIT FUCK  
SharkReek: gonna go smack talk her!  
LegitimizeThisBitches: shes sitting w jaime, dude, he looks pissed  
SharkReek: fuk, i’ll smakc talk her later, gonna send her a song tho!

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

一

WarriorMaiden: Yes, Theon, you won. Congratulations.  
SharkReek: i been savin this  
SharkReek: Isn't it awfully nice to have some milkers  
Isn't it frightfully good to have some tits?  
It's swell to have a nipple, it's divine to own some jugs  
From the tiniest little boobies to the big Boobsey Twins  
So three cheers for your hooters or nice funbags  
Hooray for your brown-eyed sweater puppies  
Your bazombas, your hands' best friend, your baps or your gourds  
You can wrap them up in ribbons, you can slip them in your bra  
But don't take them out in public or they will stick you in the dock  
And you won't come back  
WarriorMaiden: Monty Python. Great.  
SharkReek: i got more!

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Whose tits are these are I think I know.  
Her bra is in the closet though;  
She will not see me stopping here  
To watch her tits from out in the snow.  
Kingslayer: Can’t you see we're busy?  
SharkReek: more!  
Kingslayer: GO AWAY.  
SharkReek: do that carry her thing again so i can video it 4 jon  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
SharkReek: he wnats video of u  
Kingslayer: Here. I’m sending you a video now.  
SharkReek: got it  
SharkReek: …  
SharkReek: thats u punching some dudes again  
Kingslayer: Exactly.

一

 

**Week 8 WrapUp**

This was the big matchup between GridIronBorn and Maiden’s Warriors. Although the original bet was based on them having two regular season matchups, the schedule fell out so that they would only have one. Based on that, the bet participants agreed that it would all rest on this one game. GridIronBorn started a wide receiver who scored zero points and their defense scored -4.00. However, Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger had the game of his career and put up 62.00 fantasy points, bailing GridIronBorn out of a fast sinking ship. Maiden’s Warriors got handed their first lost. We are looking at a picture of a girl in a dress being added to the Iron Throne next year. However, it’s pretty clear the GridIronBorn won’t be taking that trophy home.  Who will?

The biggest win of Week 8 goes to Hear Me Kick Ass who put up amazing numbers, beating DragonKings 177.15 to 71.75, more than a 100 point margin of victory. Then again, playing DragonKings is like having bye week.  Also winning were Team Stavos (just give in and change the official team name already), IWillBeYourChampion and Thorny Stags. 2Old2Care started strong but has quickly faded, having lost their past six matchups. Has Walder fallen asleep? Again?

### Week 8 Standings  
  
---  
1 | Hear Me Kick Ass | 7-1-0  
2 | Maiden’s Warriors | 7-1-0  
3 | Team Stannis/Davos | 6-2-0  
4 | The Faceless Team | 5-3-0  
5 | IWillBeYourChampion | 5-3-0  
6 | Thorny Stags | 4-4-0  
7 | 2Old2Care | 3-5-0  
8 | Winter Wolves | 3-5-0  
9 | Night’s Winnerman | 3-5-0  
10 | Flayers’ Players | 3-5-0  
11 | GridIronBorn | 2-6-0  
12 | DragonKings | 0-8-0  
  
**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might (should) know that I actually set up a Yahoo fantasy football league for this fic. As commissioner, I am able to rig the results. For the Brienne v. Theon matchup, I decided to set the lineups and let it play out without interference. Back when I completed the draft, Theon's team autodrafted Ben Roethlisberger* as QB. While a solid player, he doesn't routinely put up big fantasy football numbers like Peyton Manning or Andrew Luck. This particular week, Ben had the game of his life and he put up the highest fantasy numbers of any player all season. It really was serendipity that Theon won because Brienne's team also put up monster numbers. I'm thinking the Seven had something to do with it.
> 
>  
> 
> *SharkKing: and i just want ben roethlisberger not 2 suck ass 2night  
> PerfectPrincess: who’s he?  
> SharkKing: big dumb idiot jerk my idiot jerk dumb son drafted  
> PerfectPrincess: does fantasy football really matter?  
> SharkKing: shut ur mouth, shut ur dirty stark mouth, girl  
> PerfectPrincess: FINE. i still have pics of theon in a dress  
> SharkKing: fuk me 
> 
> That's from the last installment.


	11. Week Nine, Part 1.  Dinner Plans.

**Monday**

SharkReek: How do I love tits? Let me count the ways.  
I love tits to the size and shape and softness  
My hands can reach, when feeling in your bra  
For the nips and tips of pleasure and ideal suck.  
I love tits to the level of every day's  
Most quiet squeeze, by hand and lips and mouth.  
I love tits freely, as men strive for sex;  
I love tits purely, as they bounce around.  
I love with a passion put to use  
In my hands, cleavage peeking from bras.  
I love tits with a love I seemed to lose  
With my lost seven, I love tits with the breath,  
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if gods choose,  
I shall but love tits better after death.  
WarriorMaiden: Holy hells. How much time have you put into these?  
SharkReek: a lot…  
WarriorMaiden: No wonder you can’t get a date.

一

TheLastDragon: conspiracy! collusion!  
CommissionerByRight: Viserys, Jaime did not injure Tony Romo and he did not force you to start a tight end who is out. Had you started all of the highest scoring players on your team, the Lannister team would still have won by 35.80 points.  
TheLastDragon: lannisters cannot be trusted! they betrayed my family!  
CommissionerByRight: Again. Unless you provide me some independent evidence of cheating, I will not investigate.  
TheLastDragon: they probs bought u off 2!  
CommissionerByRight: Viserys, you are terrible at fantasy football. You have been terrible for years. Jorah gives you sound advice which you promptly disregard. You choose players with flash over substance. You insist that you are entitled to the trophy with absolutely no valid claim.  
CommissionerByRight: Whenever you lose because of your poor decisionmaking, you insist the other team owner has cheated. You should not even be allowed to play fantasy football. Even Walder Frey is better at managing his team and setting his lineup than you.  
CommissionerByRight: You are lucky we allow you to belong to this League. Stop making ridiculous allegations and never again suggest that I have not been a fair and impartial commissioner.  
TheLastDragon: ur a big meanie pants

一

BAMFLannister: Am I to understand that you are dating my son?  
WarriorMaiden: Sort of?  
BAMFLannister: Please provide me your full name and date of birth, names of both parents as well as their dates of birth.  
WarriorMaiden: Why?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Jaime'll buy you a diamond ring Brienne if it makes your tits alright  
He'll get you anything Brienne if it makes your tits feel right  
Cos Jaime don't care too much for money, Jaime can't buy Brie’s tits  
Can't buy Brie’s tits, everybody tells him so  
Can’t buy Brie’s tits, no no no, no  
WarriorMaiden: GET OUT THEON.  
SharkReek: when u gonna get that pic 4 me? i paid 4 it! u gotta pay ur debts brie  
BAMFLannister: I beg your pardon, young man?  
WarriorMaiden: That’s a joke, honestly.  
BAMFLannister: My son pays for sexual favors?  
SharkReek: tyrion? nah, he’s fuckin’ marg now...dunno why she wants him  
BAMFLannister: Tyrion is dating Margaery Tyrell?  
WarriorMaiden: Sort of?  
BAMFLannister: Young woman, “sort of?” is not an answer to my question.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m sorry, Sir.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

BAMFLannister: Are you dating my son or not, Ms. Tarth?  
Kingslayer: Yes.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s complicated.  
Kingslayer: No it isn’t.  
SharkReek: wish marg would date me, get her 2 u dont have to send me u pic  
BAMFLannister: Greyjoy, get out.  
SharkReek: fuc

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: It’s not complicated.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes it is.  
Kingslayer: You and I are a couple. You agreed to date me.  
WarriorMaiden: You wouldn't let me break up with you.  
Kingslayer: Because you don't really want to!  
WarriorMaiden: That’s because you…  
Kingslayer: I what? Why don’t you share that with my father?  
BAMFLannister: Ms. Tarth has shared enough with me already.  
WarriorMaiden: I have?  
BAMFLannister: Olenna has assured me that was not your normal behavior and you were under the influence of some narcotic.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh. When I had my surgery?  
BAMFLannister: Do you take narcotics on a regular basis.  
WarriorMaiden: No, of course not. Jaime was giving me double the dosage of the painkillers. I’m usually not like that.  
Kingslayer: You were in pain.  
WarriorMaiden: I was not.  
Kingslayer: You would have been in pain if you hadn’t taken the painkillers.  
WarriorMaiden: I would have been just fine with less.  
Kingslayer: How do you know?  
WarriorMaiden: Because I can handle a little pain. I don’t need protected.  
Kingslayer: I’ll protect you if I want to.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t need you too!  
Kingslayer: You can’t stop me!  
WarriorMaiden: You are infuriating!  
BAMFLannister: Pardon me for interrupting this fascinating exchange.  
WarriorMaiden: Apologies, Mr. Lannister.  
BAMFLannister: I expect you both for dinner Wednesday evening. Olenna will provide you details on time and location. We dress for dinner, Ms. Tarth.

[BAMFLannister has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Does he think other people have dinner naked?  
Kingslayer: …  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: Don’t talk about you naked and expect me to not get distracted. What are you wearing?  
WarriorMaiden: To dinner? I don’t know. What does dressing for dinner mean to him?  
Kingslayer: He means I have to wear a suit.  
WarriorMaiden: If you’re wearing a suit, what am I wearing?  
Kingslayer: A dress. A short one. Heels. Thigh highs. No bra. Panties optional.  
WarriorMaiden: I’d never wear that, let alone for dinner with you father.  
Kingslayer: Wait. No. Dinner with me. Tonight. No panties.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, I’m not ready for dinner with your father.  
Kingslayer: Consider it girlfriendy.  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe Margaery and Tyrion can come too?  
Kingslayer: Father doesn’t know about Marg and Tyrion.  
WarriorMaiden: ...He does now.  
Kingslayer: FUCK.

一

BAMFLannister: Tyrion.  
URallAssholes: Father?  
BAMFLannister: You and that Tyrell girl will be joining Olenna and myself for dinner on Wednesday.  
URallAssholes: …  
BAMFLannister: Are you denying you have formed an attachment to her?  
URallAssholes: olenna?  
BAMFLannister: Don’t be facetious. You know exactly who I mean.  
URallAssholes: y don’t u bug jaime and his gf?  
BAMFLannister: They will be attending as well.  
URallAssholes: great

一

WardenWolf: we knew it was going 2b like this  
YoungWolf: yeah but dad…  
WardenWolf: packer bye week is bad, real bad  
YoungWolf: we should ahve drafted better  
WardenWolf: have 2 draft packers son, its the honorable thing

一

BAMFLannister: You need to choose a dinner location and make reservations for six on Wednesday evening.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Excuse me?  
BAMFLannister: We will be dining with my sons and their respective inamoratas.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: And why would I care to attend this dinner, let alone make the arrangements?  
BAMFLannister: Is it possible that I know something you do not know?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Oh, you’re talking about Margaery and Tyrion. Are they official now or just “seeing” each other?  
BAMFLannister: …  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Of course I’ll make dinner reservations dear. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.  
BAMFLannister: You’ll pay for that later.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I certainly hope so.

一

 

**Tuesday**

WarriorMaiden: You and Tyrion?  
LadyRose: We talked and decided to be exclusive for now, but still just casual and fun. We talked. I can manage dinner with my grandmother and her boyfriend. How about you and Jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t know. I mean. We aren’t a couple, but we are dating. Sort of.  
LadyRose: I kind of meant how are you going to get through a meal without having a quickie in the bathroom?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
LadyRose: Don’t act like you’ve never.  
WarriorMaiden: ...It’s Jaime.  
LadyRose: Brienne...he really cares about you.  
WarriorMaiden: I can’t talk about it Marg, not ...I don’t know. I’m sorting things out.  
LadyRose: You two need to figure it out, and soon.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t have anything to wear for this dinner.  
LadyRose: I love shopping.  
WarriorMaiden: I hate shopping.  
LadyRose: Why are we friends again?

一

SexViper: Ah. I remember when Obara first was removed from day care. She liked to hit the other children with rulers.  
RedHeadedMother: How did you address the problem?  
SexViper: I put her in martial arts classes and told her she could only hit people in that environment or in self-defense.  
RedHeadedMother: I don't think I can put Rickon in a class that teaches biting.  
SexViper: Is it a learned behavior?  
RedHeadedMother: You mean has he seen other kids biting?  
SexViper: Or perhaps Ned nibbling delicately at your neck?  
RedHeadedMother: Oh..well..no...Ned isn't very affectionate in public.  
SexViper: Such a pity.  
RedHeadedMother: Rickon is very fond of the dogs though...  
SexViper: Do they nip at each other?  
RedHeadedMother: You know, sometimes they just do. Do you think Rickon is just being feral?  
SexViper: He is imitating behaviors. You just need to explain to him that to him. Make him understand.

[WardenWolf has joined the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: Thank you so much Oberyn. I think that might fix the problem.  
SexViper: I am here for your needs, lovely Catelyn. Any of your needs, you can come to me.  
WardenWolf: Cat? yu wanted to talk?  
RedHeadedMother: Oh Ned, it's fine. Oberyn has helped me tremendously.  
SexViper: Any time, Catelyn. Any time.  
RedHeadedMother: I'll see you at home tonight, Ned.

[RedHeadedMother has left the conversation.]

WardenWolf: ...  
SexViper: Catelyn is quite a woman, Ned. That red hair. So fiery.  
WardenWolf: wtf?

一

BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I am all for an opportunity for women to drink wine, share stories and plot against men.  
RedHeadedMother: So you think a book club is a good idea?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I do. We can set up online times.  
RedHeadedMother: Excellent. I wil send a universal announcement. What should be our first book?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Maybe a classic? Madame Bovary? Lady Chatterly’s Lover?

[YoungWolf has joined the conversation.]

RedHeadedMother: Do you really think a sex book is the best way to start?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Why not take the plunge?  
RedHeadedMother: Did you need something, Robb?  
YoungWolf: uh no..

[YoungWolf has left the conversation.]

一

YoungWolf: hey, uh, dad  
WardenWolf: yeah?  
YoungWolf: momwastalkingaboutgettingasexbookgottagobye

[YoungWolf has left the conversation.]

一

 

**Wednesday**

Kingslayer: Armor.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: You should wear armor.  
WarriorMaiden: I know your dad is a little stiff and I was all confused talking to him, but he can’t be that bad.  
Kingslayer: Tyrion and I have tried to tell you. Dinner with Father is like dinner in Stranger’s hell. Only worse.  
WarriorMaiden: Olenna will be there and she likes me. It’ll be fine.  
Kingslayer: I’m just saying, I’ll go down on you after.  
WarriorMaiden: What?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Girl, you're every titty in the world to me  
You're my fantasy, you're my reality  
Girl, you're every titty in the world to me  
You're every tit I need, you're every tit to me  
Kingslayer: It’s going to be terrible. I’ll make you feel all relaxed after.  
SharkReek: whuts terrible?  
Kingslayer: Every moment anyone has to spend with you. Why don’t you clog up a toilet, Reek?  
SharkReek: fucker

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: I’m so licking candy for dessert.  
WarriorMaiden: Uhm. You don’t have to do that.  
Kingslayer: If dinner gets too awful, just imagine me under the table, licking up your thighs.  
WarriorMaiden: I’m supposed to think of that while I’m sitting across from your father and Olenna?  
Kingslayer: ...Maybe not. Still I’m going down on you after.  
WarriorMaiden: …  
WarriorMaiden: Okay.

一

SharkReek: so dude, i was thinking  
LegitimizeThisBitches: im skerd  
SharkReek: fuk u  
LegitimizeThisBitches: whut?  
SharkReek: brienne, dude, shes got no tits, but jaime fuks her like, all the time  
LegitimizeThisBitches: he has bad taste?  
SharkReek: u think mebbe, she’s..not bad?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: ...mebbe?

一

SexontheSand: And you’re so relaxed?  
RedHeadedMother: Ned has been rather vigorous of late.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Did he do something wrong?  
RedHeadedMother: Not that I know of, but you’re right. He’s probably trying to apologize in advance.  
WarriorMaiden: Do men do that?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Oh yes, Brienne. If a man has done something wrong, he’ll get you flowers.  
RedHeadedMother: Do yard work or home repair.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Take you to a nice dinner.  
RedHeadedMother: Oral sex.  
WarriorMaiden: Oral sex is an apology?  
RedHeadedMother: Oh, how Ned paid for having the Draft at Winterfell...how he’s still paying.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: You can make that last all season long, Cat.  
RedHeadedMother: I plan on it. Better than a nice apology dinner any day.  
WarriorMaiden: Is that why we are all going to dinner with you and Tywin, Olenna? Did he do something wrong?  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Oh. Tywin wants to determine if you’re worthy of dating his son and bearing his heirs.  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
RedHeadedMother: Just be yourself, Brienne. It’ll be fine.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Well, I’ll be there at least.  
SexontheSand: You should demand oral sex afterwards.  
WarriorMaiden: ...

一

URallAssholes: so...dinner w my father?  
LadyRose: And my grandmother.  
URallAssholes: u ok w that?  
LadyRose: Sure, I mean, it’ll be fine. Right?  
URallAssholes: have u met my father?  
LadyRose: A couple times at parties.  
URallAssholes: it’ll be like the dornish inquisition, not much I can do about it  
LadyRose: Have you met my grandmother?  
URallAssholes: sure, she likes me  
LadyRose: That was before she knew about us.  
URallAssholes: this is gonna suck  
LadyRose: Let’s make it all about Jaime and Brienne?  
URallAssholes: you mean throw them to the lions?  
LadyRose: And to the thorns.  
URallAssholes: knew i liked u 4 a reason ;)

一


	12. Week Nine, Part 2.  Post Dinner WrapUp.

**Thursday**

WarriorMaiden: Your father hates me.  
Kingslayer: He hates everyone.  
WarriorMaiden: He looked at me like I’m a bug he wanted to squash under his shoe.  
Kingslayer: You’re way too tall for that. He wants to squash Tyrion.  
WarriorMaiden: OH GODS. Marg and Tyrion.  
Kingslayer: What was that?  
WarriorMaiden: Did he have to tell your father I vowed to kick fantasy football ass?  
Kingslayer: He was a particular little shit. Margaery wasn’t much better.  
WarriorMaiden: She kept mentioning my child-bearing hips! What the hells?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Torn between two titties, feelin' like a fool  
Lovin' both of you is breakin' all the rules  
Torn between two titties, feelin' like a fool  
Lovin' you both is breakin' all the rules  
Kingslayer: You have great hips. Especially that spot on your left one that’s ticklish.  
SharkReek: u got ticklish spots brie? mayeb i can tickle u  
Kingslayer: WHAT THE FUCK?  
WarriorMaiden: You’d have a better chance sticking your dick in an exhaust pipe.  
Kingslayer: Get the fuck away from my girl before I burn you alive.  
SharkReek: sorry dude

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: He’s going to keep doing that forever.  
Kingslayer: It could be worse.  
WarriorMaiden: When you went to the restroom, your Father asked for my resume.  
Kingslayer: At least he asked you and didn’t have someone steal your entire personnel file.  
WarriorMaiden: And my college transcripts.  
Kingslayer: That’s new. He usually doesn’t go as far as that.  
WarriorMaiden: And he wants me to get a physical to determine if I have any genetic issues.  
Kingslayer: Maybe he likes you more than I thought.  
WarriorMaiden: He interrogates people he LIKES?  
Kingslayer: At least he didn't offer to write you a hefty check to get you out of my life.  
Kingslayer: Did he?  
WarriorMaiden: No. It was still completely awful. All those personal questions and he kept mentioning my healthy appetite and he asked if I had any particular cravings.  
Kingslayer: See, it wasn't that bad.  
WarriorMaiden: How would you know? You sat there with your eyes all glazed over most of the time while I was on the hot seat.  
Kingslayer: I was distracting myself thinking about what we were going to do after. What we did after. That made it all better, didn’t it?  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: Really? Because that’s not how I remember it.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: Gods, Jaime, please gods Jaime please more. That’s what I remember.  
WarriorMaiden: Maybe I should make you meet my father.  
Kingslayer: I’ve seen enough of his bone-crushing hits to know what to expect. He will try to crush my hand when we shake and then warn me about hurting you.  
WarriorMaiden: He’s not like that.  
Kingslayer: Brienne. He’s your father. Of course he’s like that. I see it all the time on TV. I’ll be super polite to him and call him Sir and then he’ll threaten me.  
WarriorMaiden: My father is not like one of those ridiculous TV fathers who think their daughters are delicate flowers who have to be protected.  
Kingslayer: Fine. Let’s see.

[Kingslayer has invited Evenstar to the conversation.]  
[Evenstar has joined the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Hey, Dad.  
Evenstar: Brienne. So proud your team is doing well. I knew you could do it.  
WarriorMaiden: Thanks. I did lose to the Greyjoys.  
Evenstar: That was unavoidable.  
Kingslayer: Hello Mr. Tarth.  
Evenstar: Is this your young man, Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Sort of?  
Kingslayer: Yes, Sir. I’m Jaime Lannister. And I’m dating your daughter.  
Evenstar: He seems to think he’s your fella. Why don’t you think the same?  
WarriorMaiden: We are just dating now because we kind of broke up.  
Kingslayer: No we didn’t.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes we did!  
Kingslayer: You tried to break up with me, but couldn’t.  
WarriorMaiden: I did break up with you!  
Kingslayer: But we’re back together now.  
Evenstar: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Sort of?  
Kingslayer: I look forward to meeting you, Sir.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, you’re not fooling him. I’m sure he already knows you’re not a respectful boy next door.  
Evenstar: Is he respectful to you?  
WarriorMaiden: He insinuated I couldn’t hold my own at fantasy football and that I needed him to protect me and take care of me.  
Evenstar: Well, then he’s stupid.  And I would tell him so myself if you hadn’t made me promise not to chat with him.  
Kingslayer: …  
WarriorMaiden: Dad…  
Evenstar: If I were permitted to speak to him, I’d certainly tell him that you knew more about football by the time you were seven that he probably knows now. I’d tell him that you need no one to take care of you and no one to fight your battles for you because you are strong and capable and smart.  
Evenstar: So can I talk to him now?  
Kingslayer: You told your father he couldn’t chat with me?  
WarriorMaiden: You can’t be trusted not to embarrass me!  
Kingslayer: You like it when I embarrass you!  
WarriorMaiden: DO NOT.  
Evenstar: Brienne, stop your bickering and run along while I have a discussion with your young man.  
WarriorMaiden: This is a bad idea.  
Evenstar: Skedaddle.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE.

[WarriorMaiden has left the conversation.]

Evenstar: You know, when I played ball I had a way of hitting a player hard enough to ring his bell but not break his ribs.  
Evenstar: I would not show such kindness to your ribs.  
Kingslayer: Understood.  
Evenstar: Good. Did you really insult her fantasy football skill?  
Kingslayer: Look, I mean, she’s good. But she’s not as good as I am. I offered her some help. Just so she doesn’t get embarrassed.  
Evenstar: My. You are an idiot.  
Kingslayer: I’m a Lannister. We are known for our fantasy football skills.  
Evenstar: But not for your skills with women.

一

URallAssholes: its like science or scene, it doesn’t matter  
CommissionerByRight: The “c” is silent in pronunciation of the word “scent.”  
Needler: uh...which of u is right?  
URallAssholes: me  
CommissionerByRight: Ignore him. He knows nothing. The “c” was added to the word later to distinguish it from “sent.”  
URallAssholes: im not jon snow. its pronounced the same as sent or cent, no big deal  
CommissionerByRight: The “c” is silent.  
URallAssholes: does not matter  
Needler: is this a trick question?  
URallAssholes: yep, ur teacher is just trying 2 prove a point.  
CommissionerByRight: The “c” is silent.  
URallAssholes: ur wrong stanny  
CommissionerByRight: Arya, the opinion of a person who spells “you’re” “ur” cannot be trusted.  
Needler: ur right! thanks stannis

一

Kingslayer: It was fine.  
WarriorMaiden: Did you log the conversation? Send it to me.  
Kingslayer: Seriously, it’s fine.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you sure?  
Kingslayer: Brienne. You met Tywin Lannister and survived. Selwyn Tarth is nothing in comparison. I kind of liked him. He thinks I’m an idiot.  
WarriorMaiden: See, he’s a smart man.

[URallAssholes has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: stannis baratheon is a epic knowitall jackass twit w a giant ego and undeserved sense of entitlement  
WarriorMaiden: What?  
Kingslayer: Bro. He’s a Baratheon. What did you expect?  
URallAssholes: i expect him 2 know that it does not matter if the c or s in scent is silent  
Kingslayer: You know what I expect?  
URallAssholes: me 2 b able to kickass at trivia?  
Kingslayer: My little brother not to throw me and my girlfriend under the bus at dinner with Father.

[WarriorMaiden has invited LadyRose to the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: fuk  
LadyRose: Hey. What’s up?  
WarriorMaiden: Why don’t you tell me?  
Kingslayer: What kind of tag team effort was that?  
WarriorMaiden: Yeah Marg. I come from hardy stock?  
URallAssholes: look...ive taken enough shit from tywin over the years  
Kingslayer: You have.  
URallAssholes: and given the chance to direct his ire elsewhere, i did, i don’t regret it and id do it again  
Kingslayer: It’s okay, bro. We even?  
URallAssholes: not even close  
WarriorMaiden: That’s no excuse for you, my very best friend Margaery Tyrell.  
LadyRose: Uh...sorry?  
WarriorMaiden: That’s it?  
LadyRose: Brienne. I love you like a sister, but when it comes to being grilled by Tywin Lannister, I’m going to hide behind you every time. I’d do the same to Loras.  
URallAssholes: lor deserves it  
Kingslayer: I’d throw Loras to the wolves, lions, thorns, snakes, fish, squid...  
WarriorMaiden: Are you suggesting the next time we have to have dinner with Tywin Lannister, we bring Loras along?  
URallAssholes: and tell him 2 wear guyliner

一

BeardedStag: That hot oil treatment really helped.  
UKnowUWantMe: my hair is just growing out, we need game night @ jaimes so i can steal his conditioner  
BeardedStag: You have refused to have game night since you caught Jaime and Brienne making out in our coat closet.  
UKnowUWantMe: dont remind me! his hand was UP HER SHIRT *shudder*  
BeardedStag: You never said, where were her hands?  
UKnowUWantMe: ive tried 2 burn the image from my brain, ren, thx  
BeardedStag: Sorry baby, want to go have a spa day? We can get special treatments.  
UKnowUWantMe: i could get my lashes dyed w octopus ink

一

BAMFLannister: Ms. Tarth.  
WarriorMaiden: Mr. Lannister. Thank you for dinner. It was nice meeting you.  
BAMFLannister: What is your fantasy football pedigree?  
WarriorMaiden: Well. My father played college football. As far as fantasy football goes, I played in a few leagues last year, won two and was runner up in one. So far this year I’ve only lost once, last week to GridIronBorn.  
BAMFLannister: You lost to the Greyjoys?  
WarriorMaiden: I scored 146.20, but they started Ben Roethlisberger. Even with my optimal lineup, I wouldn’t have won. I don’t think there was even a player on the waiver wire which would have helped me overcome that.  
WarriorMaiden: I actually know there wasn’t.  
WarriorMaiden: Because I checked.  
WarriorMaiden: Sorry. I’m a bit obsessed. Losing to Theon Greyjoy, even in a regular season matchup where I’m certain to make the playoffs, bothers me.  
BAMFLannister: You take your fantasy football seriously.  
WarriorMaiden: Who doesn’t?  
BAMFLannister: Exactly.

一

BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Was your intent was to present Brienne as a suitable broodmare for Lannister offspring?  
LadyRose: Well. Not exactly.  
LadyRose: Tyrion and I just aren’t ready for strict definitions.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: So you decided to throw Brienne to the lions to save yourself?  
LadyRose: ...Yes.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Nicely done.

一

BAMFLannister: I believe your daughter is competing for the Iron Throne and dating my eldest son.  
Evenstar: Yep to both. Looks like my girl might win that trophy this year.  
BAMFLannister: Did you just insinuate that a mere woman could win the Iron Throne?  
Evenstar: Sure a woman could and there’s a damn good chance my daughter will be the one to do it.  
BAMFLannister: While she may be a suitable mate, you cannot believe that she is good enough to beat my son.  
Evenstar: You cannot believe your son is good enough for my daughter.  
BAMFLannister: He is a Lannister!  
Evenstar: And an idiot. Is that genetic?  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …

一

 

**Friday**

LadyRose: Topic of the day. Shave, wax or natural?  
MrsYoungWolf: Partial wax.  
YoungWolf: yeah  
URallAssholes: u wax, robb?  
YoungWolf: NO! i mean, yeah, i like for jeyne  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I switch it up.  
Unknown: A man likes variety.  
Bronn4Sale: shavin gives me the optical inch  
SharkReek: the whut?  
LegitimizeThisBitches: ur dick looks bigger if u shave, dillwad  
LegitmizeThisBitches: but its more like optical ITCH when it grows back, i like my woman smooth  
KissedByFire: i like it natural  
IKnowALittleSomething: me2  
PinkISPretty: roosie likes 2 shave me, he has a special straight razor  
LegitimizeThisBitches: OH GODS IM GONNA SPEW  
SexontheSand: That can be erotic. Oberyn and I do that.  
SexViper: For each other. So nothing comes between us. Our hot flesh pressed against one another.  
SexontheSand: Over and over.  
TheLastDragon: a woman should prepare herself properly 4 me  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Fuck off Viserys.  
KellyCsBear: Whatever she prefers, anything she wishes.  
FertileNonagenarian: dont got no pubes no more  
URallAssholes: now im gonna spew  
LadyRose: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: I was waiting for Jaime to answer.  
Kingslayer: I’m waiting for you to answer.  
KissedByFire: Do you two ever talk to each other about these things?  
WarriorMaiden: …  
LadyRose: Why do you think I invite them to the topic of the day?

一

BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …

一

WarriorMaiden: Is there something you’d like me to do?  
Kingslayer: Is there something you’d like me to do?  
WarriorMaiden: I asked first.  
Kingslayer: Don’t I look big? I mean, I can shave if you want me to.  
WarriorMaiden: No.  
Kingslayer: So I don’t look big enough? I’m too small?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: And I'm gonna keep on lovin tits  
Cause it's the only thing I wanna do  
I don't wanna sleep  
I just wanna keep on lovin tits  
WarriorMaiden: No, you’re definitely big enough.  
SharkReek: whuts big  
Kingslayer: My cock, now get out.  
SharkReek: no one cybersexies me

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

Kingslayer: So you don’t want me to shave?  
WarriorMaiden: No. Unless you want to. Do you want me to?  
Kingslayer: I’m up for anything you want. Just tell me.  
WarriorMaiden: What do you want?  
Kingslayer: I asked you first.

一

Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …

一

 

**Week 9 WrapUp**

This week was brother v. brother as Team Stavos was up against the tHorny Stags. Who came out ahead? The Commish, of course, winning 122.80 to 93.50. Every winner this week scored over 100 points while every loser, save one, scored under 100. Which loser scored over 100 points? DragonKings, of course, who are now 0-9. Having a particularly terrible week also was Night’s Winnerman, who scored only 46.7 points on the strength of QB Phillip Rivers who managed to put up the worst QB numbers of the season, -.80. Also falling were Winter Wolves, who in bye week hell, put up an 88.45. 

### Week 9 Standings  
  
---  
1 | Hear Me Kick Ass | 8-1-0  
2 | Maiden’s Warriors | 8-1-0  
3 | Team Stannis/Davos | 7-2-0  
4 | The Faceless Team | 6-3-0  
5 | IWillBeYourChampion | 6-3-0  
6 | Thorny Stags | 4-5-0  
7 | 2Old2Care | 3-6-0  
8 | GridIronBorn | 3-6-0  
9 | Winter Wolves | 3-6-0  
10 | Night’s Winnerman | 3-6-0  
11 | Flayers’ Players | 3-6-0  
12 | DragonKings | 0-9-0


	13. Week Ten, Part 1., Keeping Warm and Fathers.  ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little more Tywin and Selwyn and Brienne is making plans.

**Monday**

BAMFLannister: ...  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …

一

Kingslayer: I am going to beat you into the ground.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever. I am going to beat you. Then I am going to set your lineups for the rest of the season.  
Kingslayer: HAH. I’m going to enjoy spanking your sweet ass.  
WarriorMaiden: What? You want to spank me?  
Kingslayer: What?  
Kingslayer: I mean, we can do that, if you want?  
WarriorMaiden: Is that something you want?  
Kingslayer: Is it something you want?  
WarriorMaiden: You said it.  
Kingslayer: Yeah, but not like that. Unless it’s something you’re into.  
WarriorMaiden: Is it something you’re into?  
Kingslayer: I asked you first.  
WarriorMaiden: No you didn’t.  
Kingslayer: Yes I did.  
WarriorMaiden: No you didn’t and even if you did it doesn’t matter.  
Kingslayer: So you’re not into that?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m saying I’m going to win.  
Kingslayer: And then you’ll spank my ass? But if I win, I spank you?  
WarriorMaiden: Is that part of the bet?  
Kingslayer: It can be?  
WarriorMaiden: Do you want it to be?

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Big boobs on women and nipples on titties  
Deep cleavage wells and bras like warm mittens  
Titties and boobies all tied up with strings  
Tits are a few of my favorite things  
SharkReek: dont worry, I’m leaving

[SharkReek has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: He’s like a drive-by.  
Kingslayer: Ignore him. I’m up for whatever you’re up for.  
WarriorMaiden: FINE. I’m going to win.  
Kingslayer: You are so not going to win.  
WarriorMaiden: Whatever.  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime?  
Kingslayer: I’m up for you right now.

一

Evenstar: ...  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: ...

一

Bronn4Sale: wasnt th point of yer bro dating the blonde giant so hed stop cockingblockin  
URallAssholes: kinda...  
Bronn4Sale: now yer dating the tyrell chick  
URallAssholes: kinda...  
Bronn4Sale: how is that getting me laid?  
URallAssholes: didn’t u go out w theon?  
Bronn4Sale: dude has some wicked breath and likes sappy love songs  
URallAssholes: in comparison, chicks were falling all over u?  
Bronn4Sale: until he got sloppy drunk and whipped out little reek  
URallAssholes: i just vomited in my mouth  
Bronn4Sale: i puked on my shoes  
URallAssholes: have u met his sister?

[URallAssholes has invited IronIslandsBattleBabe to the conversation.]  
[IronIslandsBattleBabe has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: hey, u know bronn?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Sure..  
URallAssholes: hes single, ur single...  
Bronn4Sale: im here 4 ya yarsha  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: The best date I've had in weeks has been Walder Frey. You can at least do better than that.  
Bronn4Sale: i love a woman w low standards

一

 

**Tuesday**

WarriorMaiden: We need to pack blankets and do you have a warm coat?  
Kingslayer: I have black wool top coat.  
WarriorMaiden: You can’t wear a top coat to a football game.  
Kingslayer: I usually do when I go to a game.  
WarriorMaiden: We aren’t going to be in a heated sky box, Jaime. You need a warm coat.  
Kingslayer: Won’t I have you to keep me warm?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s scheduled to snow.  
Kingslayer: I saw that. They are getting snowplows ready for the game. Why would they need snowplows?  
WarriorMaiden: Remember that Pats game where they had to clear off the 10 yard lines with leaf blowers?  
Kingslayer: You know I have secretly reserved a box for us because it's going to be too fucking cold.  
WarriorMaiden: You should give those tickets to someone else, because we are going to watch football like real fans and not like pretty boys.  
Kingslayer: Finally admitting I'm pretty, eh?  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes* No top coats.  
Kingslayer: Fine. A warm coat.  
WarriorMaiden: A puffer coat.  
Kingslayer: I’ll look ridiculous in that.  
WarriorMaiden: I know!

一

FlayMaster: You are completely useless.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: it was all injuries! we would have won if not 4 injuries  
FlayMaster: You drafted a terrible team, Ramsay. Even if we win the remaining regular season games, it is unlikely that we will even make the playoffs.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: theres always next yr  
FlayMaster: Maybe not for you.

一

Kingslayer: She’s so excited.  
URallAssholes: abt freezing her ass off n the snow?  
Kingslayer: I can’t explain it, but she’s totally delighted. She was almost giggling earlier. She never giggles.  
Kingslayer: Except when I tickle her.  
Kingslayer: She mostly snorts and huffs.  
Kingslayer: I kind of like it.  
Kingslayer: The giggling. I definitely like the snorting and huffing.  
URallAssholes: u2r freaks  
Kingslayer: I have a secret plan for the game.  
URallAssholes: does it involve sticking ur hands up her shirt to get them warm and then copping a feel?  
Kingslayer: YES!

\--

BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: ...

一

WarriorMaiden: And warm socks. And a scarf and gloves. And boots. Earmuffs. A hat. A warm hat. Long underwear. Boots.  
Kingslayer: One of those Northern fur hats with earflaps? We can each get one.  
WarriorMaiden: ...  
Kingslayer: Oh OH Oh, do I have an idea to keep warm that's better than your ideas?  
WarriorMaiden: We can get those fur hats.  
Kingslayer: Matching ones.  
WarriorMaiden: Fine! This is going to be so much fun.  
Kingslayer: It would be more exciting in a dome.  
WarriorMaiden: Real football, outside in the weather.  
Kingslayer: I’m going to smuggle in some liquor.  
WarriorMaiden: You can’t take in metal.  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: They will wand you.  
Kingslayer: What?  
WarriorMaiden: A metal detector wand. You can’t bring in metal. And you can only bring in clear plastic bags of stuff.  
Kingslayer: I usually go in the back, up the executive elevator to the owner’s box.  
WarriorMaiden: You are so spoiled.  
Kingslayer: You should let me spoil you.

一

Evenstar: ...  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …

一

MrsYoungWolf: So that's your advice?  
SexViper: Relax. Enjoy your time with your husband. Do you want your child conceived under a time deadline? Or in an act without tenderness and caring?  
MrsYoungWolf: Well...no...  
SexViper: A child should be the celebration of your love. So, make love. Enjoy his body and let him enjoy yours. Think not of eggs and sperm, but of the joining of two people, the joining of their love resulting in the creation of life.  
MrsYoungWolf: So I shouldn't tell him he has ten minutes?  
SexViper: While a quickie may be enjoyable, a longie is much more fun.  
MrsYoungWolf: Thanks Oberyn.  
SexViper: Your body will tell you when you are ready. Trust in it.  
MrsYoungWolf: You really are the best.  
SexViper: Also try the Immaculate Female Superior.

一

Evenstar: ...  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: …  
Evenstar: …  
BAMFLannister: ...

[FingerfewerHand has joined the conversation.]

Evenstar: …  
FingerfewerHand: Hey Selwyn. Saw you got like 100 new levels in Candy Crush this week.  
Evenstar: I’ve had a lot of time on my hands.  
BAMFLannister: ?  
FingerfewerHand: Hey Tywin. What are you up to?  
BAMFLannister: Davos.  
FingerfewerHand: Brienne is kicking ass in the league. You should be proud, Selwyn.  
Evenstar: That’s my girl.  
BAMFLannister: My son is better.  
FingerfewerHand: Hey. Stannis and I are doing well. We might win it all this year.  
BAMFLannister: HRMPH. The only time a Baratheon has won the Iron Throne is when both the Lannisters and the Starks helped Robert beat the Targaryens. You’ll not beat my son.  
FingerfewerHand: Stannis is in his prime. He is a tried and tested fantasy football team owner.  
Evenstar: I think I agree with Tywin, which is a little frightening, at least about Baratheon chances.  
BAMFLannister: It appears we agree on this one thing.  
Evenstar: About time. I need to upload more of my college ball videos to send to your son.  
BAMFLannister: I wouldn’t mind seeing those as well.  
Evenstar: I’ll send you the link to my youtube channel.

一

SharkKing: the 1st guy, ben stone  
SexViper: I enjoyed Benjamin Bratt.  
CommissionerByRight: Sam Waterston as Jack McCoy was the superior actor for the district attorney role on Law & Order.  
SharkKing: nah, he drank  
SexViper: And slept with his assistants.  
CommissionerByRight: Waterston was fantastic in The Great Gatsby.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: I quite like Jeff Goldblum in the new L&O.  
CommissionerByRight: Bite your tongue, woman.

一

Evenstar: If you bring him here for a visit, you have to stay in separate rooms.  
WarriorMaiden: Dad, you don’t need to worry.  
Evenstar: I know, I know, you’re a woman grown, but no young man is going to put his hands all over my baby daughter under my roof.  
WarriorMaiden: I meant you don’t need to worry because I don’t have any plans to bring him to visit.  
Evenstar: Why not? I like him.  
WarriorMaiden: You like Jaime?  
Evenstar: ‘Course I do. He cares about you. That makes him just dandy in my book. For now.  
Evenstar: His father and I just had a long conversation about football and unions. Smart man.  
WarriorMaiden: You talked to Tywin Lannister?  
Evenstar: He’s a bit stuffy, but he likes you which means he has excellent taste.  
WarriorMaiden: He does?  
Evenstar: Indeedilidoo.

一

BAMFLannister: Jaime.  
Kingslayer: Father?  
BAMFLannister: I expect your Ms. Tarth to attend all family functions for the foreseeable future.  
Kingslayer: Did you tell her that?  
BAMFLannister: Of course not. You will.  
Kingslayer: I will?  
BAMFLannister: She is a suitable woman. She will bear you sons named Lannister and further our family’s fantasy football dynasty.  
Kingslayer: You can tell her that.  
BAMFLannister: I’ve begun preliminary discussions with her father.

一

PerfectPrincess: its NOT FAIR  
RedHeadedMother: I don’t care if it’s fair or not.  
Needler: hahahaha  
RedHeadedMother: Arya, do not taunt your sister.  
PerfectPrincess: y does she get 2 bring a bf 2 dinner but i dont?  
Needler: gendry is cool  
RedHeadedMother: Because her boyfriend is polite and appropriate while you are simply engaging in flirtation with an unsuitable older man.  
PerfectPrincess: sandor is nice when u get 2 know him  
Needler: hes a dog  
RedHeadedMother: No means no, Sansa and you will not bring him to the house. What would your father or brothers think?  
PerfectPrincess: …  
RedHeadedMother: Exactly.

一

WarriorMaiden: He likes me?  
Kingslayer: A lot.  
WarriorMaiden: He talked to my father.  
Kingslayer: ...did your father mention what they discussed?  
WarriorMaiden: He said it was football, mostly.  
Kingslayer: Okay.  
WarriorMaiden: Did he say they’d talked about anything else?  
Kingslayer: Nothing we should talk about.  
Kingslayer: Yet.  
Kingslayer: What did your father say about me?  
WarriorMaiden: That you’re an idiot, of course.  
Kingslayer: …  
WarriorMaiden: But he likes you.

一

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are almost at the end of this installment and I just want to say how much I love the commentariat. This fic would be 100% less funny without you.


	14. Week Ten, Part 2., Dinner and Special Moments.

**Wednesday**

LadyRose: Brienne and Jaime eat like ten year olds. We went out last night and they had fried calamari and fried ravioli appetizers, then they ate soup, rolls, all of their entrees and each had a dessert. They didn’t even share.  
MrsYoungWolf: What kind of dessert?  
LadyRose: He had seven layer chocolate cake and she had the best looking cannoli I have ever seen.  
MrsYoungWolf: I haven't had cake since the wedding! CAKE!  
LadyRose: I know! And they shovel in food like machines. I'm not sure they even appreciate what they are eating.  
MrsYoungWolf: What did you have?  
LadyRose: Salad, light dressing, no croutons, no cheese, whole wheat pasta with light butter. No bread.  
MrsYoungWolf: I miss bread. Jaime and Brienne work out all the time.  
LadyRose: I have no idea how they can stand it. Thirty minutes on a treadmill and I'm bored out of my mind.  
MrsYoungWolf: I tried zumba.  
LadyRose: How did that go?  
MrsYoungWolf: I tried it. I didn’t keep at it.  
LadyRose: Sometimes I hate going out with Brienne and watching her eat.  
MrsYoungWolf: One day her metabolism will slow down and she'll pack on like 40lbs.  
LadyRose: Is it wrong of me to want my best friend to get fat?  
MrsYoungWolf: I want to shove a sandwich down Ygritte's throat pretty much every day.

\--

RedHeadedMother: I don't FEEL like cooking anything, Eddard.  
WardenWolf: im just sayin, i don't care what we have for dinnner  
RedHeadedMother: I don't care either. So just decide.  
WardenWolf: im telling u it doesn't matter  
RedHeadedMother: And I'm telling you I am tired of making the decision. So tell me what you want for dinner and tell me right now.  
WardenWolf: what are my options?  
RedHeadedMother: Sorry I don't have a menu available for you. Just choose something.  
WardenWolf: what do we have  
RedHeadedMother: I need to stop at the market on the way home, so just tell me what you want.  
WardenWolf: ...fried chicken is always good  
RedHeadMother: For that I need to brine the chicken overnight. It's not a dish I can just whip up. Choose something else.  
WardenWolf: that beef thing with the broth?  
RedHeadedMother: Boeuf bourguignon?  
WardenWolf: yeah, that’s great.  
RedHeadedMother: It takes three hours. Try again.  
WardenWolf: I could just pick up pizza?

一

FingerfewerHand: Grilled fish with onions, tomatoes, olives and capers over saffron rice?  
CommissionerByRight: You always know what I like.  
FingerfewerHand: Comes with the territory, love.

一

BeardedStag: Dinner tonight?  
UKnowUWantMe: make that ginger chicken?  
BeardedStag: What do I get if I do?  
UKnowUWantMe: whatever u want

一

FlayMaster: Boiled is fine.  
PinkISPretty: i can make au gratin, or mashed  
FlayMaster: I said boiled.  
PinkISPretty: but i have bacon tofu i want 2 use  
FlayMaster: I will have no further tofu abominations on the dinner table.  
PinkISPretty: i worry about ur blood pressure  
FlayMaster: My blood pressure is fine, as long as I am not subjected to tofu concoctions.  
PinkISPretty: okay..what about quorn?  
FlayMaster: ...

一

URallAssholes: interested n dinner tonight?  
LadyRose: Not with Jaime and Brienne again. I can’t bear to watch them eat and fight and then eat some more. They don’t even enjoy food.  
URallAssholes: heh, good pt. what sounds good?  
LadyRose: Something fattening?  
URallAssholes: pentoshi place near red keep?  
LadyRose: The one with the empanadas and flaming cheese?  
URallAssholes: tahts the one  
LadyRose: I knew I liked you for a reason.

一

Kingslayer: Dinner?  
WarriorMaiden: My teeth ache a little today.  
Kingslayer: Is your jaw sore?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: I’m just saying, you don’t have to do that if you don’t like it.  
WarriorMaiden: Don’t you like it? Do I do something wrong? Am I bad at it? Should I stop doing it?  
Kingslayer: NO! You’re amazing at that. I mean, it’s like totally amazing, the most amazing ever.  
Kingslayer: Ever. I mean...don’t make me think about that at work. Unless you want to call and have phone sex. Right now. Call me.  
WarriorMaiden: *rolls eyes* I don’t want to do something you don’t like.  
Kingslayer: I more than like it. I just don’t want you to do something you don’t enjoy doing.  
WarriorMaiden: I do.  
WarriorMaiden: Enjoy doing that.  
WarriorMaiden: For you.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s just that the pastry on that cannoli was a little crisper than I expected it hurt my mouth a little. I’m just a little nervous about eating more crunchy food.  
Kingslayer: We can go to that place with that orange soup you like?  
WarriorMaiden: Spicy sweet potato soup made with heavy cream…  
Kingslayer: Fried leeks before hand? And you can get the cheesecake too? The kind they make in the little dessert cups with no crusty parts?  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not sure I want to go out. I’ll pick something up on the way home.  
Kingslayer: I’ll be at your place with take out at 7.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime…  
Kingslayer: Brienne?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s really good soup.  
Kingslayer: Two bowls. Each.

一

 

**Thursday**

LadyRose: Topic of the day. Sappiest love song ever.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Feelings, by whatever lounge singer is singing it.  
Bronn4Sale: whitey huston, always love u  
WardenWolf: cat and I danced to only you by yaz at our wedding, its our song now  
RedHeadedMother: It is. We still dance to it on our anniversary.  
Needler: *BARF*  
PinkISPretty: mine and roosie’s wedding dance song was i’ll stand by you by the pretenders  
LegitimizeThisBitches: still fukin traumatized by that  
RedHeadedMother: RAMSAY WILBUR BOLTON, my daughters are in this chat room!  
LegitimizeThisBitches: sry  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Tywin and I prefer adult contemporary, like Michael Buble.  
BAMFLannister: I like no such thing, Olenna.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Of course not, dear.  
UKnowUWantMe: ren and i like melissa ethridge  
BearedStag: Or KD Lang.  
SharkReek: not judy garland?  
UKnowUWantMe: screw u  
CommissionerByRight: Judy Garland has a lovely voice.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: ugh  
SexontheSand: Mine and Oberyn’s song is Love to Love You Baby by Donna Summer.  
PerfectPrincess: that so sweet!  
MrsYoungWolf: Robb and I danced to Adele. He really likes her music.  
YoungWolf: do not  
IKnowALittleSomething: heh, i saw the cd in ur car  
URallAssholes: u still have cds?  
WardenWolf: vinyl is better, warmer  
RedHeadedMother: I know, Ned, I know.  
iluvgilly: gilly and I like Billy joel, just the way you are  
PerfectPrincess: every1 is so sweet  
FertileNonagenarian: at all my weddings we dance to cheek to cheek by fred astare  
BAMFLannister: I know, Walder, I know.  
RedHeadedMother: ...  
PerfectPrincess: i like skinny love, the birdy version, NOT bon iver  
URallAssholes: never heard of it, soudns stupid  
LadyRose: Right.  
ChampionRower: do couples have 2 have a song?  
PerfectPrincess: YES  
IKnowALittleSomething: NO  
KissedByFire: Jon likes Elvis. Love Me Tender.  
LegitimizeThisBitches: fag  
FingerfewerHand: Shut up, Ramsay.  
Needler: how about bad reputation?  
PerfectPrincess: that’s not a love song, stupid  
Needler: its a good song, dummy  
RedHeadedMother: GIRLS. DO NOT FIGHT.  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I thought this was sappy love songs?  
PerfectPrincess: couple songs r better, brienne, what is ur song w jaime?  
WarriorMaiden: We don’t I mean, we...it’s not… We don’t actually have a song.  
URallAssholes: didnt it all start w u2 bc of some song confusion? heh  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up, little man.  
Kingslayer: We totally have a song. Our first song.  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, you can’t say that in front of other people.  
Kingslayer: Afraid it’ll embarrass you?  
WarriorMaiden: You know it will!  
KissedByFire: Just tell us already.  
WarriorMaiden: Please don’t tell.  
IKnowALittleSomething: TELL US TELL US TELL US  
BAMFLannister: This conversation is ridiculous.  
ChampionRower: how do u decide if its ur song ne way?  
RedHeadedMother: It’s usually a song that you both like that was playing at your first kiss or first dance. Something like that. A special moment.  
URallAssholes: yeah j, tell every1 ur song w brie, ur special moment  
WarriorMaiden: Please, Jaime. It will humiliate me.  
URallAssholes: u know he’s gonna tell, he ahs no shame  
BAMFLannister: A Lannister should never feel shame.  
BeenThereDoneThatQueen: Really, Tywin, really?  
Kingslayer: Our song is…  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Spit it out already.  
Kingslayer: Don’t Go Breaking My Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee.  
WarriorMaiden: ...You remember that?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: I’d be humiliated by that too.  
Kingslayer: I remember everything, Brienne, everything.  
KissedByFire: ditto  
PerfectPrincess: i think its sweet  
Needler: u think everything is sweet  
WardenWolf: i have it on vinyl  
SharkReek: im gunna titbomb it  
Kingslayer: Do it and die, Greyjoy.  
LadyRose: That’s pretty sappy.  
URallAssholes: uh.. not that other song that u thought ws ur song.  
WarriorMaiden: No. Definitely Elton John.  
Kingslayer: A special moment.  
WarriorMaiden: ...It was.  
PerfectPrincess: marg, whats ur song w tyrion?  
URallAssholes: …  
WardenWolf: marg and tyrion r dating?  
IKnowALittleSomething: i know more than u, i know moer than u!

一

HyleontheHunt: no 1 ever talks 2 me  
LimpingLord: Who are you again?

一

WarriorMaiden: So, tomorrow I won't be around. Jaime and I are heading up to the Twins.  
LadyRose: You can't get out of discussing it. Elton John and Kiki Dee?  
WarriorMaiden: We, this karaoke thing, it’s just...yes. Elton John and Kiki Dee.  
LadyRose: So you’re an official couple now?  
WarriorMaiden: We are trying sort of maybe? And we made a bet.  
LadyRose: You bet on your own relationship?  
WarriorMaiden: Kind of?  
LadyRose: I love you, you know that?

[iluvgilly has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: And I would totally have sex with you, Brienne.  
iluvgilly: im gunna go

[iluvgilly has left the conversation.]

WarriorMaiden: Oh gods. Now he’s going to tell everyone we’re lesbians.  
LadyRose: Not lesbians. Just experimental.  
WarriorMaiden: Or not.  
LadyRose: Seriously though. You are a relationship idiot.  
WarriorMaiden: It's good now. I swear. It's just...undefined?  
LadyRose: Whatever.

[Kingslayer has joined the conversation.]

LadyRose: It’s not just casual sex, Brienne.  
Kingslayer: Look. Margaery. I don’t know what you’re thinking, but Brienne is not having sex with you, so you can just get the hells away from her right now.  
WarriorMaiden: Did Sam just message you?  
Kingslayer: He let me know Marg was hitting on you.  
LadyRose: I’ve been hitting on her for years.  
WarriorMaiden: It’s just a joke.  
LadyRose: Kind of.  
Kingslayer: She’s not interested. I don’t share. Ever. With anyone.

[SharkReek has joined the conversation.]

SharkReek: Wherever tits go  
Whatever tits do  
I will be right here waiting for tits  
Whatever it takes  
Or how my heart breaks  
I will be right here waiting for tits  
WarriorMaiden: I’m not a toy to be shared or not shared.  
SharkReek: sex toys?  
WarriorMaiden: Didn’t we have that talk weeks ago?  
Kingslayer: We did?  
WarriorMaiden: Not you, Jaime. The ladies.  
SharkReek: u did?  
LadyRose: There can never be enough sex toy talk.  
WarriorMaiden: Yes there can.

一

Bronn4Sale: ‘sup?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Hey.  
Bronn4Sale: wanna get 2gether 2night?  
IronIslandsBattleBabe: Why the hells not?  
Bronn4Sale: exactly

一

Kingslayer: Sex toys?  
WarriorMaiden: Jaime, I am not discussing this with you.  
Kingslayer: Good. You don’t need any sex toys.  
WarriorMaiden: I don’t?  
Kingslayer: You have me. Any time you even think you might want a sex toy, you just call me. Deal?  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up.  
Kingslayer: Unless they are something you want to use together?  
WarriorMaiden: Is that something you want to do?  
Kingslayer: Brienne, I want to do everything with you. Anything and everything. As long as it’s with you.  
WarriorMaiden: Anything?  
Kingslayer: Name it.  
WarriorMaiden: How about, for this weekend, we set our lineups and then delete our apps and not check them at all during the game?  
Kingslayer: You mean...we wouldn’t know who won?  
WarriorMaiden: Not until Monday morning, so we have a weekend where we don’t fight?  
Kingslayer: I can do that.  
Kingslayer: Wait, if we aren’t going to fight this weekend, that means you’ll just give in when I want to do hand stuff at the game?  
WarriorMaiden: It’s supposed to be below freezing.  
Kingslayer: It’ll be the best way to keep our hands warm!  
WarriorMaiden: … Okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is Jaime/Brienne karaoke conversation if you want to refresh your memory.
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/1986810/chapters/4393941


	15. Week Ten, Part Three.  At the Game.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaime and Brienne at the game.

**Late Sunday night, from a football stadium at The Twins as the last game of the weekend winds down**

WarriorMaiden: It is freezing!  
LadyRose: Doesn’t Jaime have skybox tickets? Can’t you just go get warm?  
WarriorMaiden: Of course we could, and I’m tempted, but then we wouldn’t be having a real football experience.  
LadyRose: I’m just not interested in freezing my tits off.  
WarriorMaiden: There are seriously a group of shirtless drunk guys a few rows ahead. I think it’s the Kettleback brothers.  
LadyRose: They are singularly stupid and one of them has micropenis.  
WarriorMaiden: I didn’t not need to know that.  
LadyRose: So, your tits are warm enough though.  
WarriorMaiden: I have on a thermal shirt and a heavy coat.  
LadyRose: And Jaime’s hands.  
WarriorMaiden: …  
LadyRose: Tyrion and I have the game on. You caught a cameraman’s eye.  
WarriorMaiden: Oh GODS.  
LadyRose: You couldn’t see your faces. We only knew it was you because of the matching furry earflap hats.  
WarriorMaiden: Are you sure?  
LadyRose: I’ll send you the video. Why are you messaging me anyway?  
WarriorMaiden: I need you to check the matchup scores.  
LadyRose: What?  
WarriorMaiden: We agreed not to check how our teams are doing but I’m dying to know. We deleted the apps off our phones. Can you get Tyrion to check for me?

一

Kingslayer: Bro, what’s up?  
URallAssholes: rnt ur hands supposed 2b somewhere else during the game?  
Kingslayer: How do you think I got through the entire third quarter? It’s fucking cold.  
URallAssholes: heh, saw a little of that on the tv coverage  
Kingslayer: Did anyone see any part of Brienne???  
URallAssholes: uh no...no real clear face shots  
Kingslayer: No skin?  
URallAssholes: not that i saw, how much did u do?  
Kingslayer: Where there’s a will, there’s a way.  
URallAssholes: fist bump, dude, nice one  
Kingslayer: What’s the matchup score? Am I beating Brienne?  
URallAssholes: marg just asked me 2 check 2  
Kingslayer: Why would she care?

[LadyRose has joined the conversation.]  
[LadyRose has invited WarriorMaiden to the conversation.]  
[WarriorMaiden has joined the conversation.]

URallAssholes: u2  
WarriorMaiden: What? Marg?  
Kingslayer: Are you betraying me, bro?  
LadyRose: We aren’t betraying either of you.  
URallAssholes: u made a deal not 2 look and now ur both cheating  
WarriorMaiden: Cheating would be trying to convince Stannis to change my line up after the fact.  
Kingslayer: You’re trying to back out of our deal, how dishonorable of you.  
WarriorMaiden: Shut up. I was just curious!  
LadyRose: Good gods. You’re both idiots.  
URallAssholes: do u really want me 2 tell u the score? do u really want 2 know who is going 2 win this week?  
Kingslayer: YES!  
WarriorMaiden: YES!  
URallAssholes: look at that, they agree on something  
URallAssholes: gimme a sec and ill tell u

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wraps up another installment.
> 
> The next installment will be the final one. 
> 
> So, you have all been so wonderful and you really have helped me write this fic. You're all co-authors. I have an idea about who writes the summaries and who overheard Brienne. However, I'm willing to change it. In that light, I've created a poll over at [JBO](http://www.jaimebrienne.com). Here is the link to the [Poll](http://jaimebrienne.com/topic/10720397/1/#new). You can vote as to who you would like that person to be. I have three polls and will cut it down to one and post a new poll after it's narrowed. Consider it a chance for choose your own adventure.
> 
> Or you can vote here in the comments if you don't have a JBO account. I will post a new comment next Sunday with the narrowed choices, so please check back if you are voting here. The choices are at the bottom of this note.
> 
> Thank you all so much for your participation in this fic and if there is anything you'd like to see, anything you feel needs resolved, please send me a message or leave a comment here.
> 
> And yes, I left you hanging. I know. I'm mean like that.
> 
> Sorry. Not.
> 
> \--
> 
> Poll Choices
> 
> This is the poll about who writes the WrapUps. Please pick three from each group.
> 
> Group One, Team Owners  
> (Choose Three)
> 
> Stannis Baratheon - CommissionerByRight  
> Davos Seaworth - FingerfewerHand  
> Jaime Lannister - Kingslayer  
> Tyrion Lannister - URallAssholes  
> Brienne Tarth - WarriorMaiden  
> Oberyn Martell - SexViper  
> Doran Martell - LimpingLord  
> Balon Greyjoy - SharkKing  
> Theon Greyjoy - SharkReek  
> Roose Bolton - FlayMaster  
> Ramsay Bolton - LegitimizeThisBitches  
> Renly Baratheon - BeardedStag  
> Loras Tyrell - UKnowUWantMe  
> Walder Frey - FertileNonagenarian  
> Jaqen H'qar - Unknown  
> Jaqen's Co-Owners - Unknowns  
> Ned Stark - WardenWolf  
> Robb Stark - YoungWolf  
> TheLastDragon - Viserys Targaryen  
> KellyCsBear - Jorah Mormont  
> Jon Snow - IKnowALittleSomething  
> iluvgilly - Samwell Tarly 
> 
> \--
> 
> Group Two, Other Characters  
> (Choose Three)
> 
> Bronn Blackwater - Bronn4Sale  
> Selwyn Tarth - Evenstar  
> Gendry Waters - ChampionRower  
> Ygritte Wildling - KissedByFire  
> Catelyn Stark - RedHeadedMother  
> Walda Bolton - PinkISPretty  
> Arya Stark - Needler  
> Sansa Stark - PerfectPrincess  
> Asha (Yarsha) Greyjoy - IronIslandsBattleBabe  
> Gilly Craster - samissosweet  
> Olenna Tyrell - BeenThereDoneThatQueen  
> Jeyne Stark - MrsYoungWolf  
> Margaery Tyrell - LadyRose  
> Ellaria Sand - SexontheSand  
> Tywin Lannister - BAMFLannister  
> Hyle Hunt - HyleontheHunt  
> Ron Connington - RocketRon  
> Ben Bushy - BushWhacker  
> Edmund Ambrose - EddieBros 
> 
> \--
> 
> Why the Hell Not?  
> (Choose Three)
> 
> Daenarys Targaryen  
> Khal Drogo  
> Petyr Baelish  
> Jossmyn Peckledon  
> Pretty Pia  
> Willas Tyrell  
> Lancel Lannister  
> Varys  
> Maester Pycelle  
> Qyburn  
> Ilyn Payne  
> Podrick Payne  
> Osmund Kettleback  
> Kevan Lannister  
> Genna Lannister  
> Gerion Lannister  
> Alistair Thorne  
> Pyp  
> Grenn  
> Drogon  
> Viserion  
> Rhaegal  
> Robert Baratheon  
> Aerys Targaryen 
> 
> I will close voting on this in a week or so, tabulate the results from here and the JB board and then do a run off poll. If you're voting in comments, please check back Monday the 17th for the runoff.
> 
> Again, thank you all so so much for participating. You have all made this so much fun.


	16. Week Ten, Standings.  And nothing else.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just the updated poll...
> 
> And to make you all happy, I'm adding the Week 10 Summary, but nothing else. Please vote here or at JBO.
> 
> The final installment will pick up where this one left off!
> 
> Suggestions and prompts still welcome and if there is anything you want resolved, let me know!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, I let the JB matchup play out with no Commissioner interference. I could have written it either way.

**Week 10 WrapUp**

This was the big matchup between our two league leaders, Maiden’s Warriors and Hear Me Kick Ass. Did they have a bet on the line? If so, Hear Me Kick Ass should be collecting. It was a close matchup, 157.00-153.50. What player put Hear Me Kick Ass over the top? None other than **Boobie** Dixon, RB Bills. Dixon only scored 6.20 points, but that was enough to beat Maiden’s Warriors. Winter Wolves creamed Team Stavos, who was in Bye Week Hell. Also winning this week were Night’s Winnerman, The Faceless Team, Thorny Stags, and GridIronBorn. DragonKings lost yet again, starting Andy Dalton at QB who scored -.90 points while leaving Tony Romo, who scored 30.30, on the bench. It takes real skill to make decisions that terrible.

### Week 10 Standings  
  
---  
1 | Hear Me Kick Ass | 9-1-0  
2 | Maiden’s Warriors | 8-2-0  
3 | Team Stannis/Davos | 7-3-0  
4 | The Faceless Team | 7-3-0  
5 | IWillBeYourChampion | 6-4-0  
6 | Thorny Stags | 5-5-0  
7 | Winter Wolves | 4-6-0  
8 | GridIronBorn | 4-6-0  
9 | Night’s Winnerman | 4-6-0  
10 | 2Old2Care | 3-7-0  
11 | Flayers’ Players | 3-7-0  
12 | DragonKings | 0-10-0  
  
**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New poll!
> 
> Stannis Baratheon - CommissionerByRight  
> Davos Seaworth - FingerfewerHand  
> Tyrion Lannister - URallAssholes  
> Jaqen's Co-Owners - Unknowns  
> Olenna Tyrell - BeenThereDoneThatQueen  
> Tywin Lannister - BAMFLannister  
> Varys - ItsyBitsy  
> Genna Lannister - EarTwister
> 
> (I added IDs to the people who didn't have them because ...funny?)

**Author's Note:**

> As always, your comments are the funniest part of the fic. I still need prompts for side conversations.
> 
> Thanks to tafkar for the TitBombs and PoketNinja and Vana for writing me some conversations. It's a real help.
> 
> Love all your faces.


End file.
